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Star Defence
http://www.radjokes.com/Online-Games/Action-Games/star-defence.html; Category: Action Games (by RadJokes, published Thursday, 28 May 2009 07:00)
Free Online Games http://armorgames.com brought to you by Armor Games
http://armorgames.com
_______________________________________________________________
Sonny
http://www.radjokes.com/Online-Games/Action-Games/sonny.html; Category: Action Games (by RadJokes, published Saturday, 20 June 2009 07:00)
Free Online Games http://armorgames.com brought to you by Armor Games
http://armorgames.com
_______________________________________________________________
Gemcraft
http://www.radjokes.com/Online-Games/Strategy-Games/gemcraft.html; Category: Strategy Games (by RadJokes, published Sunday, 28 June 2009 07:00)
Free Online Games http://armorgames.com brought to you by Armor Games
http://armorgames.com
_______________________________________________________________
Hedgehog Launch
http://www.radjokes.com/Online-Games/Action-Games/hedgehog-launch.html; Category: Action Games (by RadJokes, published Monday, 20 July 2009 07:00)
Free Online Games http://armorgames.com brought to you by Armor Games
http://armorgames.com
_______________________________________________________________
Warfare 1917
http://www.radjokes.com/Online-Games/Strategy-Games/warfare-1917.html; Category: Strategy Games (by RadJokes, published Tuesday, 28 July 2009 07:00)
Free Online Games http://armorgames.com brought to you by Armor Games
http://armorgames.com
_______________________________________________________________
Coffee Shop
http://www.radjokes.com/Online-Games/Strategy-Games/coffee-shop.html; Category: Strategy Games (by RadJokes, published Tuesday, 28 July 2009 07:00)
Free Online Games http://armorgames.com brought to you by Armor Games
http://armorgames.com
_______________________________________________________________
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PETA, President Obama, and the Fly
http://www.radjokes.com/News/Funny-News-Stories/peta-president-obama-and-the-fly.html; Category: Funny News Stories (by RadJokes, published Friday, 19 June 2009 13:30)
THE GROUP PEOPLE FOR THE ETHICAL TREATMENT OF ANIMALS WANTS THE FLYSWATTER IN CHIEF TO
TRY TAKING A MORE HUMANE ATTITUDE THE NEXT TIME HE\'S BEDEVILED BY A FLY IN THE WHITE
HOUSE. PEOPLE FOR THE ETHICAL TREATMENT OF ANIMALS WANTS THE FLYSWATTER IN CHIEF TO TRY
TAKING A MORE HUMANE ATTITUDE THE NEXT TIME HE\'S BEDEVILED BY A FLY IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
PETA Wishes Obama Hadn\'t Swatted That Fly
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,527001,00.html
Webmaster's Comments:
Point #1: I didn't know a fly was an animal.
Point #2: The high deficit, out of control spending, and takeover of businesses was OK.
But swatting the fly shows President Obama isn't perfect? These folks are focusing on the
wrong things....
_______________________________________________________________
==================================
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Funny Pictures E-mail
Pictures so funny, you'll want to share them with your friends!
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Dead or Alive
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Political-Pictures/dead-or-alive.html; Category: Political Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 29 May 2009 13:59)
_______________________________________________________________
Going to Church
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Sign-Pictures/going-to-church.html; Category: Sign Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 29 May 2009 14:01)
_______________________________________________________________
Always Coca-Cola
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Oddball-Pictures/always-coca-cola.html; Category: Oddball Pictures (by Unknown, published Saturday, 30 May 2009 02:15)
_______________________________________________________________
No Porn
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Rated-R-Pictures/no-porn.html; Category: Rated R Pictures (by Unknown, published Saturday, 30 May 2009 02:16)
_______________________________________________________________
Fun In The Kitchen
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Animal-Pictures/fun-in-the-kitchen.html; Category: Animal Pictures (by Unknown, published Saturday, 30 May 2009 02:19)
_______________________________________________________________
Fair-Minded
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Oddball-Pictures/fair-minded.html; Category: Oddball Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 19 June 2009 05:17)
_______________________________________________________________
Falling Cow?
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Sign-Pictures/falling-cow.html; Category: Sign Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 19 June 2009 05:20)
_______________________________________________________________
Florida Voting Machine
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Political-Pictures/florida-voting-machine.html; Category: Political Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 19 June 2009 05:22)
_______________________________________________________________
Welcome to Florida
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Travel-Pictures/welcome-to-florida.html; Category: Travel Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 19 June 2009 05:25)
_______________________________________________________________
Friendly Fire
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Cute-Pictures/friendly-fire.html; Category: Cute Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 19 June 2009 05:28)
_______________________________________________________________
Gulf Wars Episode II
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Political-Pictures/gulf-wars-episode-ii.html; Category: Political Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 19 June 2009 05:34)
_______________________________________________________________
Get Her Diamonds
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Sign-Pictures/get-her-diamonds.html; Category: Sign Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 19 June 2009 05:41)
_______________________________________________________________
Give Credit To God
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Sign-Pictures/give-credit-to-god.html; Category: Sign Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 19 June 2009 05:45)
_______________________________________________________________
God's Creatures
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Sign-Pictures/gods-creatures.html; Category: Sign Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 19 June 2009 05:52)
_______________________________________________________________
Great Sports Moment
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Sports-Pictures/great-sports-moment.html; Category: Sports Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 19 June 2009 06:00)
_______________________________________________________________
Does the Church Care?
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Sign-Pictures/does-the-church-care.html; Category: Sign Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 19 June 2009 06:09)
_______________________________________________________________
Go To Church
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Sign-Pictures/go-to-church.html; Category: Sign Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 19 June 2009 06:20)
_______________________________________________________________
Clash of the Titans
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Driving-Pictures/clash-of-the-titans.html; Category: Driving Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 19 June 2009 06:25)
_______________________________________________________________
Redneck Detergent
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Redneck-Pictures/redneck-detergent.html; Category: Redneck Pictures (by Unknown, published Sunday, 05 July 2009 00:00)
_______________________________________________________________
Donut Land
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Real-Pictures/donut-land.html; Category: Real Pictures (by Unknown, published Sunday, 05 July 2009 00:00)
_______________________________________________________________
Redneck Hands-Free Cell
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Redneck-Pictures/redneck-hands-free-cell.html; Category: Redneck Pictures (by Unknown, published Sunday, 05 July 2009 00:00)
_______________________________________________________________
Drop Your Pants Off Here
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Sign-Pictures/drop-your-pants-off-here.html; Category: Sign Pictures (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 14 July 2009 13:53)
_______________________________________________________________
Cliff Hanger
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Driving-Pictures/cliff-hanger.html; Category: Driving Pictures (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 14 July 2009 13:57)
_______________________________________________________________
Closed Minds
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Bumper-Stickers/closed-minds.html; Category: Bumper Stickers (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 14 July 2009 13:58)
_______________________________________________________________
Closing or Hiring?
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Work-Pictures/closing-or-hiring.html; Category: Work Pictures (by Unknown, published Thursday, 26 November 2009 16:05)
_______________________________________________________________
==================================
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Driving
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Cute-Jokes/driving.html; Category: Cute Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 13:46)
Johnny had just received his brand new drivers license. The
family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where
he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad
immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the new
driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after
all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat
teaching me how to drive," says the boy.
"Nope, I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat while
you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
_______________________________________________________________
Driving Blessing
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Age-Jokes/driving-blessing.html; Category: Age Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 13:48)
At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around
talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup
of coffee", said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I
can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands
are so crippled", volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! I can't turn my
head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth,
to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed
another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old", winced
an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded
in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully.
"Thank God we can all still drive."
_______________________________________________________________
Driving Blonde
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Blonde-Jokes/driving-blonde.html; Category: Blonde Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 13:51)
A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when
she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".
After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "Oh, well !" and turned
around an drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said
"CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles,
she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
_______________________________________________________________
Driving Permit
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Kid-Jokes/driving-permit.html; Category: Kid Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 13:53)
A young boy had just received his driving permit. He asked his
father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car.
His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal
with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get
your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if
they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's
study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You
have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but
you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been
thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long
hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."
To which his father replied... "Yes, and they WALKED every where
they went!"
_______________________________________________________________
Driving Pope
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Religious-Jokes/driving-pope.html; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 13:55)
After getting all Pope John-Paul II's luggage loaded in the limo (and
His Holiness doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope
is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the
driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me
drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never
gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after
exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the
limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!," pleads the worried driver, but
the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman
approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his
motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he
says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that; he's really important," said the
cop.
"All the more reason."
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"
"Bigger."
"Governor?"
"Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
"I think it's God!"
"What makes you think it's God?"
"He's got the Pope driving for him!"
_______________________________________________________________
Driving Quiz
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Driving-Jokes/driving-quiz.html; Category: Driving Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 13:57)
You are sitting behind the wheel in a car keeping a constant speed,
on you left side there is an abyss.
On your right side you have a fire engine
and it keeps the same speed as you.
In front of you runs a pig, larger than your car.
A helicopter is following you,
at ground level.
Both the helicopter and the pig are
keeping the same speed as you.
What will you need to do to be able to stop?
Answer:
Get out of the car,
step down from the merry-go-round
_______________________________________________________________
Driving Rules
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Driving-Jokes/driving-rules.html; Category: Driving Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 13:58)
1. When using a metered entrance ramp, vehicles
in the carpool lane do not need to stop. Similarly,
vehicles NOT in the diamond lane also do not need
to stop.
2. If, at any time, you have witnessed a green
light, it is okay to proceed through the intersection,
regardless of the current color of the light.
3. The shoulder becomes a lane if you are driving
a Porsche.
4. If you paid more than $60,000 for your car,
you automatically have the right of way, regardless of
the situation. This is especially applicable in parking
lots.
5. Drive as quickly as possible through parking
structures. Pass any open spot by at least four car
lengths before backing up to claim it. Disregard
the angry mob that has formed behind you.
6. Get to know your horn. Use it as often as possible.
7. While driving on the freeway and talking on
your cell phone, alternate between 45 and 100 MPH.
This is especially effective if driving in the fast lane.
8. Every lane is the suicide lane.
9. Always set the alarm to its most sensitive setting
before leaving your car in a parking ramp.
10. During rush hour, drivers should pass the time
by reading Deepak Chopra or L. Ron Hubbard, and
practice inner peace when cut off by a Mercedes.
11. If you miss your exit, no worries. Just cut
across six lanes of traffic and drive over the
divider. If you really weren?t supposed to cross
it, they would make it out of concrete instead of
icicle plants.
12. For parking purposes, all SUV?s are compact
cars. Honest.
13. To calculate the proper speed limit on the
freeway, subtract your age from 100. Double this
number if your car has dual exhaust. Conversely,
add your age to 100 if you are driving on the U.S. 101
or suffering from a midlife crisis.
14. If you hear sirens, DO NOT pull over. Slow
down exactly where you are and start looking for
carnage.
15. If a cop attempts to pull you over, give chase.
You won?t get away, but it's guaranteed you?ll
make live TV. Towards the end of the chase, be sure to
throw random items out of your window. It will
give the reporters something to talk about on the 4, 5,
6, 8, 9, 10, and 11 o? clock news.
16. Never use your turn signal, unless of course
you are on the freeway with no intention of merging.
17. Totally disregard on-coming traffic.
18. If there are already three cars stopped at a
four way stop, accelerate immediately. Otherwise, one of
those cars might go ahead of you!
19. Rush hour at the 101/405 interchange is from 5
AM to 11 PM, except around holidays that create
airport traffic, when hours are extended to 3 AM.
20. Never Carpool.
21. Take full advantage of your right to u-turn.
Laugh aloud at people from other states who turn
around in driveways.
22. In case of rain, immediately pull over. You
can not drive in any sort of precipitation.
23. While driving uphill, do not down shift.
While driving downhill, ride your brakes.
24. When parking on a hill, turn your wheels out,
set the emergency brake, remove radio face, enable the
alarm, and put The Club? on your steering wheel.
25. On narrow canyon roads, feel free to use the
center divider as a passing lane.
_______________________________________________________________
Driving School Exam Answers
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Driving-Jokes/driving-school-exam-answers.html; Category: Driving Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 14:00)
The following are a few samples of REAL answers received on exams
given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school
(Most probably from people who failed the first four times)
Q. Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A. What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q. Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way
stop at the same time?
A. The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker
saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q. When driving through fog, what should you use?
A. Your car.
Q. What problems would you face if you were arrested for
drunk driving?
A. I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q. What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no
longer drive lawfully?
A. I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q. What is the difference between a flashing red traffic
light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A. The color.
Q. What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A. Carry loaded weapons.
Q. What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A. Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
_______________________________________________________________
Driving Teacher
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Driving-Jokes/driving-teacher.html; Category: Driving Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 14:03)
Larry and Moe were driving their pickup truck around Florida.
When they got to the traffic light, Larry drove right through the red light.
Moe cried, "Larry, what the heck are you doing?"
Larry kept driving and replied, "Don't worry, my brother taught me to drive".
When they got to the next light, Larry drove through another red light.
Moe asked, "Why do you keep running red lights?".
Larry said, "Don't worry, my brother taught me to drive."
When they got to the third light, Larry slammed on the brakes and screeched
to a halt at a green light.
Moe asked, "Larry, why would you drive through red lights but stop at green lights!?"
Larry replied:
"My brother might be coming the other way!"
_______________________________________________________________
Drunk
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Police-Jokes/drunk.html; Category: Police Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 14:06)
Officer: "Good evening sir. We're testing drivers for drunken driving.
Would you please blow into this machine?".
Man: "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get
out of air".
Officer: "Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test".
Man: "I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to
death".
Officer: "Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line".
Man: "Can't do that either".
Officer: "Why not?".
Man: "Because I'm dead drunk."
_______________________________________________________________
Drunk Pilots
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Airplane-Jokes/drunk-pilots.html; Category: Airplane Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 14:07)
Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After awhile,
just drinking gets boring, so the first guy looks at the second guy
and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?"
The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"
So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the
plane. Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to
land. The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to
land, and he sees an airstrip close by. He says his new buddy along
for the ride, "Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as
any."
So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last
minute he swerves and pulls back up. "Nuts!" he says, "That is the
SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to
land on it?" But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try
again, with the same result.
Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right,
I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it we're just
going to crash and hope we don't die." So they end up crashing, and
miraculously neither is hurt.
When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is swears
and gesticulates wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever
designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron!
No one could land on anything that short!"
The second guy looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it
is!"
_______________________________________________________________
But Dust
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Religious-Jokes/but-dust.html; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 14:10)
A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer.
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look
on his upturned face.
"Without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued but at that moment a very obedient daughter (who was
listening intently for a change) leaned over to her mother and asked quite
audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"
_______________________________________________________________
Dying Family
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Blonde-Jokes/dying-family.html; Category: Blonde Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 14:11)
A Blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks
sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The Blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call
saying that my mother had passed away."
"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for
the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to
relax and rest."
The Blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here.
I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of
doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the Blonde to work as usual. "If
you need anything, just let me know," he says.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the Blonde.
He looks out over his office and sees the Blonde crying
hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to
be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No," replies the Blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and
she said that HER mom died too!"
_______________________________________________________________
Efficiency Expert
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/People-Jokes/efficiency-expert.html; Category: People Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 15:15)
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't
want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "
She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often
carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try
carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast.
Now I do it in seven."
_______________________________________________________________
Elephant Question
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Stupid-Jokes/elephant-question.html; Category: Stupid Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 15:18)
Q) Why is an elephant big, gray, and wrinkly?
A) Because, if it was small, white and smooth
would be an Aspirin.
_______________________________________________________________
Elevator Problem
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Stupid-Jokes/elevator-problem.html; Category: Stupid Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 15:19)
I was alone in the elevator when a voice came on the intercom and
asked if any lights on the control panel were lit. The elevator's
computer was having problems, the voice explained. As I was replying,
a man stepped in and I could see from the expression on his face that
he thought I was talking to myself. I told him that I was speaking
to the intercom, but, to my dismay, the device remained silent.
"Come on," I pleaded into the speaker. "This guy thinks I'm crazy."
No response. We reached the man's floor and he exited. But just as
the door closed, a hearty laugh came over the intercom.
"Did he get off?" the voice asked. "I'm sorry, but I just couldn't
resist!"
_______________________________________________________________
Employed by a School
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Education-Jokes/employed-by-a-school.html; Category: Education Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 15:34)
YOU MIGHT BE EMPLOYED BY A SCHOOL IF.....
1. You believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick.
2. You want to slug the next person who says, "Must be nice to work 8 to
3:20 and have summers free."
3. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
4. You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report
card.
5. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy,
the kids sure are mellow today."
6. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you
do not know and correct their behavior.
7. You have no social life between August and June.
8. Marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much easier.
9. You think people should be required to get a government permit before
being allowed to reproduce.
10. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
11. You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the
"lounge".
12. You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home
schooling.
13. You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child
that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.
14. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
15. You know you are in for a major project when a parent says, "I have a
great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."
16. Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question, "Why is this
kid like this?"
_______________________________________________________________
End of the World
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Story-Jokes/end-of-the-world.html; Category: Story Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 15:35)
Meteorological experts predicted a massive flood that would destroy the
world.
The Pope went on worldwide TV and said,
"This is punishment from God. Prepare to meet your maker."
The president went on TV and announced,
"Our scientists have done all they can. The end is near."
The mayor of Seattle came on and said,
"Due to inclement weather, this year's Seafair Parade will be moved to
the top of Queen Anne Hill."
_______________________________________________________________
Enemies
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Stupid-Jokes/enemies.html; Category: Stupid Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 15:38)
A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.
"How are we faring?" asks the king.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on our behalf all day,
burning the towns of your enemies in the west."
"What?!?" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."
_______________________________________________________________
Engineer Jokes
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Work-Jokes/engineer-jokes.html; Category: Work Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 15:41)
Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in
a way you don't understand.
Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an
undertaker.
Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of
his own.
Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did
last year.
Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a
road map the wrong way.
_______________________________________________________________
Errand
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Gender-Jokes/errand.html; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 15:54)
It was a terrible night, blowing cold and snow in a most frightful
manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to
close up shop when a little Jewish man slipped through the door. He
carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters
and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet, freezing, and
bedraggled.
As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two poppy seed
bagels to go, please?"
The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"
"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for
Sherry."
"Sherry is your wife?" asked the baker.
"What did you think," snapped the little man, "that my mother would send
me out on a night like this?"
_______________________________________________________________
ESP
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Money-Jokes/esp.html; Category: Money Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 15:58)
Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's checkbook, Mike
made a deal with her; he would look at it, but only after
she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape.
The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs
and figures, Cindy said proudly, "I've done it! I made it
balance!"
Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. "Let's see...
mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." His brow
wrinkled as he read the last entry. "It says here ESP, $615.
What the heck is that?"
"Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!"
_______________________________________________________________
Eternal Truths
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Quotes-Stories-and-Stuff/eternal-truths.html; Category: Quotes Stories and Stuff (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:00)
Eternal Truths
1. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
2. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
3. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
4. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
5. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
6. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He
didn't trust me so much.
7. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
8. If the shoe fits ... buy it in every color.
9. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
10. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.
11. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.
12. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
13. Some days are a total waste of makeup.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
16. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.
17. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
18. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three
weeks before you need it.
19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
20. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to
make them all yourself.
_______________________________________________________________
Even Even More Definitions
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Lists/even-even-more-definitions.html; Category: Lists (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:02)
Willpower: The ability to eat only one salted
peanut.
Experience: A comb life gives you after you
lose your hair.
Vacation: A time when parents realize that
teachers aren't paid enough.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
_______________________________________________________________
Even More Bumper Stickers
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Lists/even-more-bumper-stickers.html; Category: Lists (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:05)
If you don't like the way I'm driving, YOU come get these handcuffs off!
If you are close enough to read this, I am close enough to slam on my
brakes and sue you.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get.
Drive defensively - buy a tank.
Don't make me mad - I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Go on, I'll see you at the next traffic light.
I may be slow but I'm ahead of you!
Where are we going and what am I doing in this handbasket?
On the back of an old pickup: If this truck was a horse, I'd have to
shoot it.
I brake for tailgaters. Hard.
If you can read this, you are in phaser range.
Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is.
FREE TIBET! (with the purchase of a 44 oz. drink).
My kid was Prisoner of the Month at Orange County Jail.
*Get in - buckle up - pipe down - and hold on!
_______________________________________________________________
Even More Definitions
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Lists/even-more-definitions.html; Category: Lists (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:06)
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now
growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after
they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do
more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH: A female moth.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character.
_______________________________________________________________
Exercise Helps
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Health-Jokes/exercise-helps.html; Category: Health Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:08)
It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you
add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to
spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
_______________________________________________________________
Express Line
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Work-Jokes/express-line.html; Category: Work Jokes (by RadJokes, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:17)
My friend, Mike, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the
act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front of the store
(near the cash registers), when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried
to run.
After a scuffle, Mike pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a
number of surprised customers staring at him.
"Everything's fine, folks," he reassured them...
"This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than ten
items."
_______________________________________________________________
Extra Mile
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Driving-Jokes/extra-mile.html; Category: Driving Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:38)
Driving down the highway one day, I saw this slogan
on the back of a very well-known trucking company's
vehicle:
"We Always Go the Extra Mile."
Then I noticed another phrase scrawled in the dirt just
below it:
"That's Because We Missed the Last Exit."
_______________________________________________________________
Extra Office Work
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Office-Jokes/extra-office-work.html; Category: Office Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:41)
The boss came early in the morning one day
and found his manager kissing his secretary.
He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"
The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free
of charge."
_______________________________________________________________
Eyes Light Up
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Blonde-Jokes/eyes-light-up.html; Category: Blonde Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:42)
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in her ear!
_______________________________________________________________
Face Freeze
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Education-Jokes/face-freeze.html; Category: Education Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:44)
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground,
Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a
child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like
that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
_______________________________________________________________
Bulb and Factory
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Blonde-Jokes/bulb-and-factory.html; Category: Blonde Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:45)
Two factory workers were talking. "I think I'll take some time
off from work." said the man."
"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.
He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and
hanging upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging
from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing.
"I'm a light bulb" answered the guy."
"I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man
jumped down and walked out of the factory.
The blonde began walking out too. The boss asked her "Where do
you think you're going?"
The blonde answered, "Home. I can't work in the dark".
_______________________________________________________________
Factory Workers
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Gender-Jokes/factory-workers.html; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:47)
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory
that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local
woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you
limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think
women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our
employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being
shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't
pout when I yell at them."
_______________________________________________________________
Facts of Life
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Gender-Jokes/facts-of-life.html; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 18:57)
Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can
visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon
returning home, she will call the same friend and
they will talk for three hours.
Women will drive miles out of their way to
avoid the possibility of getting lost using a
shortcut.
Women do NOT want an honest answer to the
question, 'How do I look?'
PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter
(or at least men think it means that). PMS also
stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My
Spouse.
The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.
Women will make three right-hand turns to
avoid making one left-hand turn.
'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different
meaning in woman-language than it does in man-
language.
Women cannot use a map without turning the map
to correspond to the direction that they are
heading.
All women are overweight by definition; don't
agree with them about it. Women always have 5
pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless
they really have 5 pounds to gain.
If it is not Valentine's Day and you see a man
in a flower shop, you can probably start up a
conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'
Only women understand the reason for 'guest
towels' and the 'good china'.
All women seek equality with men until it comes to
sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and
picking up the check.
If a man ticks off a woman she will often
respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which
warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the
lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by
the guys (which gets them in More trouble).
Women never check to see if the lid is up.
They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap
towards the bowl and then chewing men out because
they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two
seconds and lowering it themselves.
Women can get out of speeding tickets by
pouting. This will get men arrested.
Women don't really care about a sense of humor
in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't
see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to
Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
Men can never catch women checking out other men;
women will always catch men checking out other women.
_______________________________________________________________
Failed Pickup Lines
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Pickup-Lines/failed-pickup-lines.html; Category: Pickup Lines (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 18:59)
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
_______________________________________________________________
Faith
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Religious-Jokes/faith.html; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 19:01)
A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to
minister to an outpatient.
On the way back, they were a few miles from home when they ran out of
gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a trucker
approached.
Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his
help. The nuns explained they needed some gas.
The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank,
but he didn't have a bucket or can. One of the nuns dug out a clean
bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it.
He said yes, and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the
pan. He waved good-bye to the nuns and left.
The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank
when the highway patrol came by. The trooper stopped and watched for a
while, then he approached the nuns and said:
"Sisters, I don't think what you're doing will work, but I sure have to
say, I do admire your strong faith!"
_______________________________________________________________
Family Member
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Lawyer-Jokes/family-member.html; Category: Lawyer Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 19:03)
A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected,
a large crowd gathered. A lawyer anxious to get there first
could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started
shouting loudly,
"Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
_______________________________________________________________
Family Pants
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Gender-Jokes/family-pants.html; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 19:06)
Jack and Jill were getting married.
Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his
dad says, "I remember when your mom and I got married.
I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on."
"I can't wear these," she said.
"Darn right," he said, "I wear the pants in this family, and you'd better
remember that."
"I think I'll try that on Jill," Jack said.
He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.
"Put these on," he said.
Jill replied, "I can't wear these."
"Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you'd better remember
that," he said.
Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.
"I can't get in to these," he said.
"Darn right," Jill said. "And if you don't change your attitude you never will!"
_______________________________________________________________
Family Stress Test
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Quotes-Stories-and-Stuff/family-stress-test.html; Category: Quotes Stories and Stuff (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 19:08)
FAMILY STRESS TEST
Score:
0 if the statement is never true
1 if it is rarely true,
2 if it is sometimes true
3 if it is always true.
1. ____ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun
down, and then we can talk".
2. ____ The school principal has your number on
speed dial.
3. ____...
Read more...
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Quotes-Stories-and-Stuff/family-stress-test.html
_______________________________________________________________
Famous Last Words
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Quotes-Stories-and-Stuff/famous-last-words.html; Category: Quotes Stories and Stuff (by RadJokes, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 19:10)
What do you mean, "I'll be back"?
Why is the rest of the Star Trek landing party wearing a different color?
Pull the pin and count to what?
Which wire was I supposed to cut?
I wonder where the mother bear is.
I've seen this done on TV.
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
I'll hold it and you light the f...
Read more...
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Quotes-Stories-and-Stuff/famous-last-words.html
_______________________________________________________________
Farmer Math
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Quotes-Stories-and-Stuff/farmer-math.html; Category: Quotes Stories and Stuff (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 19:12)
A fifth generation farmer has determined that his son will
be the first in their family to go to college. So he and the wife save
every penny for years and when the big day comes for junior to leave for
school, the old man is the proudest he's ever been.
After the first semester junior comes home for Christmas
break and the old man sits him down for a talk. "Well, boy,
you been at school for three months now, I want you to tell
me some of that fancy book learnin'."
So junior says, "My favorite class is math, pa. Just last
week we learned a new formula...Pi r squared."
At hearing this the old man screws up his eyes and smacks his forehead,
"Dog gone-it! I spent all that money on schooling and all you can tell
me is Pi r squared? Why everybody know pie are round...CORNBREAD are
squared!"
_______________________________________________________________
Farting
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Gender-Jokes/farting.html; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 19:14)
A couple traveling cross country decided to stop for a cup of coffee in a
local diner somewhere in Texas. While they were sitting at a booth
near the counter sipping their coffee, a local cowboy stumbles in and
heads for the closest stool at the counter. As he lifts his leg over
the stool, he cuts one of the loudest farts ever heard by a human.
The tourist jumps up and yells,
"Sir, how dare you fart before my wife!"
The cowboy stopped, tipped his hat politely and says,
"I'm awful sorry ma'am...I didn't know we was a takin' turns."
_______________________________________________________________
Farts
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Health-Jokes/farts.html; Category: Health Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 19:16)
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I
have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother
me too much. They never smell and are always silent.
As a matter of fact, I've passed gas at least 20 times
since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I
was passing gas because they don't smell and are silent.
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back
to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I
don't know what medicine you gave me, but now my gas.....
although still silent... smells terrible."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your
sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
_______________________________________________________________
Father-Son Chat
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/People-Jokes/father-son-chat.html; Category: People Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 19:18)
A recently graduated man and woman were working to-gather in an
office, where the young man was very much attracted to
the girl and formed a crush. He extracted some preliminary
information from the girl and knew which street the girl was living.
But he did not know exact house number. He was not able to curb his
desire to see her over weekend and thought of going to the girls'
home and surprise her as 'I was in the neighborhood" excuse to
meet her.
He saw a gentleman near her home. He asked him, "Could you please
tell me where does Simran Chopra live around here?"
The gentleman inquired, "May I please know why you want to see
her?"
The boy presented excuse, "Well, I have some important business
with her. I am her brother."
The guy expressed amazement, "I see! But I insist you tell me what
business you have with her, because I am her father."
_______________________________________________________________
Female Golf Terms
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Sports-Jokes/female-golf-terms.html; Category: Sports Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 19:21)
FEMALE GOLFING TERMS:
CADDY
2 women talking about a 3rd who isn't there to defend herself.
CHIPPING
Time to get our nails done again.
DOUBLE BOGIE
"Casablanca" followed by "African Queen."
FAIRWAY
Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.
GOOD LIE
Weight on our driver's license.
GREENS
Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger.
HOLE-IN-ONE
Time to get new pantyhose.
IRON
What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.
ROUGH
Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything.
SHAFT
You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing.
TEES
Putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee.
WATER HAZARD
Giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip.
WEDGE
Bathing suit that's too tight
_______________________________________________________________
Final Exam
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Redneck-Jokes/final-exam.html; Category: Redneck Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 28 May 2009 05:11)
Redneck School of Engineering - Final Exam
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree
that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when
placed on blocks in your front yard? A) '66 Ford Fairlane B)
'69 Chevrolet Chevelle C) '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20
gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary
to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm.
The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470
per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree
diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take
to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of
R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers
with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch
length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When
the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an
average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children
place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep
grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average
traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to a
void the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain?
*For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have
mufflers and uncracked windshields?
9. A Coal Mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area.
The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the
beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will
be smoked during the shift?
10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs
shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?
_______________________________________________________________
Fine Wine
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Gender-Jokes/fine-wine.html; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 28 May 2009 05:14)
Men are like fine wine. They all start out
like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on
them and keep them in the dark until
they mature into something with which
you'd like to have dinner with."
"Women are like fine wine. They all start
out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the
mind and then turn full-bodied with age
until they go all sour and vinegary and
give you a headache."
_______________________________________________________________
First Day of School
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Education-Jokes/first-day-of-school.html; Category: Education Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:03)
A child came home from his first day at school.
His Mother asked: 'Well, what did you learn today?'
The kid replied: 'Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow.
_______________________________________________________________
Fishing
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Stupid-Jokes/fishing.html; Category: Stupid Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:06)
There is a guy who wants to go ice fishing, so he goes
to the ice and cuts a hole in it.
He hears, "THERE ARE NO FISH IN HERE."
He leaves and goes to another spot on the ice.
He hears, "THERE ARE NO FISH IN HERE."
Baffled, the guy asks, "Is this God?"
The voice responds, "No, this is the skating rink owner!"
_______________________________________________________________
Fishing Blondes
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Blonde-Jokes/fishing-blondes.html; Category: Blonde Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:07)
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with
the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps
them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your
fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.
"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game
Warden. "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing.
We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris
off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were
horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.
"Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the
debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started
laughing hysterically.
"What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't
he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"
_______________________________________________________________
Fishing Trip
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Gender-Jokes/fishing-trip.html; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:13)
"So, what's the matter?" asked one woman of her friend over
coffee. "I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing
fishing trip with your husband."
"Oh, everything went wrong," the second woman answered.
"First, he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish.
Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I
was reeling in too soon.
"All that might have been all right; but then, to make
matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"
_______________________________________________________________
Fist Fight
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Quotes-Stories-and-Stuff/fist-fight.html; Category: Quotes Stories and Stuff (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:14)
"Never get into fist fights with ugly people, they have nothing
to lose."
_______________________________________________________________
Fixing the Ad
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Headline-Jokes/fixing-the-ad.html; Category: Headline Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:19)
The following is an ad from a newspaper which appeared four days in a
row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's
mistake.
MONDAY:
For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707
after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY:
Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It
should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707
and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."
WEDNESDAY:
Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several
annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the
classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For
sale -- R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone
948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY:
Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I
intentionally broke it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone
disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until
yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.
_______________________________________________________________
Fixing the BMW
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Blonde-Jokes/fixing-the-bmw.html; Category: Blonde Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:23)
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic, "It died."
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's
idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She says, "How often do I have to do that?"
_______________________________________________________________
Flash Reporter
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/News-Jokes/flash-reporter.html; Category: News Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:24)
Unclear on the Concept: Darrell Krumnow, 29, pleaded guilty in Waco,
Tex., in March to taking so-called "upskirt" photographs of a
19-year-old female clerk at Richland Mall.
Krumnow was done in because, unlike other upskirt photographers
who have figured out that they need to be discreet, Krumnow used a
flash, which caught everyone's attention.
_______________________________________________________________
Flea Collar
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Women-Jokes/flea-collar.html; Category: Women Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:29)
The woman at the supermarket checkout was
giving the clerk a hard time. As her audience in
the waiting line increased, she became more abusive.
Finally, the patient clerk came to a dog's flea collar.
The checker asked the customer if she was aware
that the package had been opened.
"Of course," the woman snapped. "I opened it.
You can't expect me to get it home and find out
it's the wrong size."
A voice from the line spoke for all of us:
"Wear it in good health."
_______________________________________________________________
Flies in the Pints
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Political-Jokes/flies-in-the-pints.html; Category: Political Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:31)
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub
together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as
they were about to enjoy their beverages, a fly landed in each of their
pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American
fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if
nothing happened.
The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over
the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
_______________________________________________________________
Flight Attendant Quotes
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Airplane-Jokes/flight-attendant-quotes.html; Category: Airplane Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:33)
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all
of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed
evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave
children or spouses."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal
tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other seat belt and if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like
to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time
you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US
Airways."
_______________________________________________________________
Floppy Inside
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Technology-Jokes/floppy-inside.html; Category: Technology Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:36)
Here are some conversations, from Microsoft's Help Desk, which
had actually taken place between customer support people and
their customers:
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to
print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel
inside."
_______________________________________________________________
Florida
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Travel-Jokes/florida.html; Category: Travel Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:38)
You know you are in FLORIDA during the summertime when:
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up
lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and
add butter, salt, and pepper it.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying h
hard-boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
_______________________________________________________________
Strange Person
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Kid-Jokes/strange-person.html; Category: Kid Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:40)
I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the
Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.
"How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who
looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes?
Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"
"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."
_______________________________________________________________
Florida Blessing
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Travel-Jokes/florida-blessing.html; Category: Travel Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 03 June 2009 13:44)
A Florida Blessing:
Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.
Please keep it cool in mid-July.
Bless the walls where termites dine,
while ants and roaches march in time.
Bless our yard where spiders pass
fire ant castles in the grass.
Bless the garage, a home to please
carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.
Bless the snakes, all running free,
hiding in bushes, grass or trees.
Bless the love bugs, two by two,
the gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.
Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,
in Florida, Lord, you've put them all!!
But this is home, and here we'll stay,
So thank you Lord, for insect spray.
_______________________________________________________________
Florida, Heaven, and Hell
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Religious-Jokes/florida-heaven-and-hell.html; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 03 June 2009 13:45)
A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get
his message across to his congregation: "It's so beautiful
here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them."
"And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't scare
them" responded a member of his church.
_______________________________________________________________
Flour and Snow
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Kid-Jokes/flour-and-snow.html; Category: Kid Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 03 June 2009 13:47)
This is many years ago now, but my son when he was 5 was wanting it to
snow so badly that he put flour down the heat vents and when I turned
on the heat the flour shot out of the vents creating a huge mess!
He exclaimed happily “ Oh its snowing I knew it would snow!"
_______________________________________________________________
Flowers
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Story-Jokes/flowers.html; Category: Story Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 03 June 2009 13:48)
The following is supposedly a true story....
A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One
day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He
told her he would send her a bouquet of roses...one for
each year of her life.
That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one
roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.
As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young
man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.
The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him!
_______________________________________________________________
Food Labels
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Food-Jokes/food-labels.html; Category: Food Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 03 June 2009 13:51)
The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific.
Products will now be labeled: no fat; low fat; reduced fat; and fat, but
great personality.
_______________________________________________________________
Food Leftovers
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Food-Jokes/food-leftovers.html; Category: Food Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 15:52)
Three wives were bemoaning their husbands' attitudes towards
leftovers. "It gets rough," one said. "My husband is a Movie
Producer and he calls them 'reruns'."
"You think you have it bad," was the reply. "Mine is a Quality
Control Engineer and he calls them 'rejects'!"
"That's nothing compared to me," said the third lady. "My husband is
a mortician. He calls them 'remains'!"
_______________________________________________________________
Forbidden on Aircraft
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Airplane-Jokes/forbidden-on-aircraft.html; Category: Airplane Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 15:56)
Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:
"I think everyone's asleep, lets go"
"This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first"
"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down"
"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on"
Sniff sniff
"Ah perfume - you think of everything"
"This is great....." (long sigh)
Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.
"This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We
know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline
regulations... Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the
smoke detector!"
_______________________________________________________________
Forgetful
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Health-Jokes/forgetful.html; Category: Health Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 15:59)
William's wife started noticing how forgetful he was
becoming. Being the concerned wife, she convinced
him to see a doctor. William was a little worried
when the doctor came in. Sensing his patient's
nervousness, the first thing the doctor did was to
ask what was troubling him.
"Well," William answered. "I seem to be getting forgetful.
I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or
whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or
what it is I'm going to do once I get there, if I get there.
So, I really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor thought for a moment, then answered
in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."
_______________________________________________________________
French Rifle
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Political-Jokes/french-rifle.html; Category: Political Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:05)
A sale of French rifles was going on. People soon found they had never been fired and only
dropped once!
_______________________________________________________________
French's Mustard
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Political-Jokes/frenchs-mustard.html; Category: Political Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:13)
Statement from French's Mustard
The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent
statement: "We at the French's Company wish to put an end
to statements that our product is manufactured in France.
There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship,
between our mustard and the country of France.
Indeed, our mustard in manufactured in Rochester, NY. The
only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow".
_______________________________________________________________
French Tanks
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Political-Jokes/french-tanks.html; Category: Political Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:18)
Why do French tanks have rear-view mirrors? To see the battle.
French tanks have 5 gears. 4 reverse and one forward, in case
they get hit from behind.
_______________________________________________________________
Freudian Slip
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Religious-Jokes/freudian-slip.html; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:20)
One day, there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look, and
another priest saw him and wondered what was wrong. The second priest thought he
should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was
wrong.
“Well,” the first priest said, “have you ever heard of a Freudian slip?”
“No,” said the other.
“Well,” said the first, “it's when one slips and says something one is thinking
usually
when it is the least opportune time.”
“Oh,” said the third, “so, what happened?”
“Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say ‘I now
pronounce you man and wife’?” asked the first.
“Yes?” said the second.
“Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was, ‘I now sentence
you to
death.’”
_______________________________________________________________
Fridge Rabbit
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Stupid-Jokes/fridge-rabbit.html; Category: Stupid Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:24)
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one
of the shelves.
"What are you doing in there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?",
to which the lady replied
"Yes."
"Well,"
the rabbit said, "I'm westing."
_______________________________________________________________
Fried Eggs
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Gender-Jokes/fried-eggs.html; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:28)
A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're
cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We
need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter?
They're going to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful!
You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry
up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt
them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use
the salt! The salt!"
The wife stared at him and asked, "What the heck is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels
like when I'm driving with you in the car."
_______________________________________________________________
Friendly Bear
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Military-Jokes/friendly-bear.html; Category: Military Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:31)
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command
radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when
breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, “Are there any
friendly bears listening?”
After a moment, another voice replied, “Yes, I'm a friendly bear,” and
then another voice, “I'm a friendly bear too!”
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a
blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on a radio link.
When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds.
Then a small voice said, “You're not a very friendly bear, are you?”
_______________________________________________________________
Friends or Enemies
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Bad-Jokes/friends-or-enemies.html; Category: Bad Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:38)
The Iraqui General had grown increasingly anxious over rumors of an
impending air strike by the Americans from neighboring Saudi Arabia.
"Ahkmed," he ordered his aide-de-camp, "I want you to climb that
mountain and report any signs of American military activity."
"Yes, General," replied Ahkmed. He trudged up the mountain, and as
soon as he crossed the ridge he saw a squadron of planes heading
their way. "There are many planes coming, General," he promptly
radioed back.
"Friends or enemies?" the General demanded urgently.
Ahkmed again lifted his binoculars to the sky. "They're flying very
closely together, General," he replied. "I think they must be
friends."
_______________________________________________________________
Frog and the Psychic
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Stupid-Jokes/frog-and-the-psychic.html; Category: Stupid Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:41)
A lonely frog, desperate for some form of company telephoned the Psychic
Hotline to find out what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful
young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at
work, at a party?"
"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."
_______________________________________________________________
Frozen Turkeys
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Food-Jokes/frozen-turkeys.html; Category: Food Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:44)
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at
the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough
for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
_______________________________________________________________
Half Full or Half Empty
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Age-Jokes/half-full-or-half-empty.html; Category: Age Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:48)
A friend of mine was a philosophy major during his first semester in
college. One day in a seminar class, they spent a great deal of time
debating whether the glass was half full or half empty.
After the class, my friend was feeling pretty good about himself and
what he was learning at university, so when he went home, he tried to
continue the discussion with his family. With maximum drama, he took a
12 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then
took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table.
He proudly asked his family, "Can anyone tell me whether this glass is
half full or half empty."
Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, "Depends if you're
drinking or pouring."
_______________________________________________________________
Funeral Service
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/People-Jokes/funeral-service.html; Category: People Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:51)
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just
passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers
are carrying the casket out when they accidentally
bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that
the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years,
and then finally dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end
of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the
casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,
"Watch the wall!"
_______________________________________________________________
Funeral Song
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Bad-Jokes/funeral-song.html; Category: Bad Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:59)
A local funeral home gives families the chance to chose the
music CD they would like to enter the service to.
One family asked to enter to Elvis Presley's hit, "Love me Tender."
Well the day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready
for the family to walk in to the service.
Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player,
and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."
_______________________________________________________________
Fun Wife
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Women-Jokes/fun-wife.html; Category: Women Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 18:25)
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check
on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted
more than a written report; he wanted video of his
wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video.
They sat down together to watch it. Although the
quality was less than professional, the man saw his
wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them
laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves
at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit
nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in
a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband
said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right
up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife
could be so much fun!"
_______________________________________________________________
Furnace Filter
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Men-Jokes/furnace-filter.html; Category: Men Jokes (by RadJokes, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 18:30)
A seventy-five year old guy, his hair is completely white, marries
a twenty-two year old girl, and she gets pregnant.
Nine months later, he walks into the Maternity Ward. He says to
the nurse, "Well, how'd I do?"
The nurse says, "She had twins."
He says, "Heh, heh, heh...well, I guess that goes to show, that
even if there's snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the
furnace."
She says, "Well, then you'd better change filters. Both of the
babies are black."
_______________________________________________________________
Future and Past
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Quotes-Stories-and-Stuff/future-and-past.html; Category: Quotes Stories and Stuff (by RadJokes, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 18:33)
"We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can
only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in
the future to wreak revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in
the past."
_______________________________________________________________
Gambling Drunk
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Political-Jokes/gambling-drunk.html; Category: Political Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 18:36)
--From the Tonight Show:
Q: What's the difference between Las Vegas and Washington D.C.?
A: In Las Vegas, the drunks gamble with *their* money.
_______________________________________________________________
Athelete or Nurse
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Work-Jokes/athelete-or-nurse.html; Category: Work Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 18:39)
The famous female Olympic skier Picabo Street (Peek-A-Boo) is not just an
athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit
of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply
too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, .... "Picabo,
ICU. "
_______________________________________________________________
Garage Sale
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Story-Jokes/garage-sale.html; Category: Story Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 18:43)
I was getting ready for a garage sale one summer day. Since
it was so hot and humid out, I decided to stay inside my
air-conditioned house and mark the special stickers I had
bought for the sale.
I would stick several of them on my blouse, run outside,
stick them on the appropriate items and rush back inside.
I did this until every item was labeled.
Later that day a UPS man came by the house with a delivery.
I noticed that as I was signing for the package, he was
looking at me strangely.
It was only after he left that I noticed there was one sticker
still attached to the front of my blouse. It read "Make me an
offer."
_______________________________________________________________
Geezer Qualifying Exam
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Quotes-Stories-and-Stuff/geezer-qualifying-exam.html; Category: Quotes Stories and Stuff (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 18:48)
Geezer Qualifying Exam
1. In the 1940's, where were automobile headlight
dimmer switches located?
a. On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn
2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had
holes in it. For what was it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt shaker
3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in
northern winters?
a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by d...
Read more...
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Quotes-Stories-and-Stuff/geezer-qualifying-exam.html
_______________________________________________________________
Advice about Men
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Gender-Jokes/advice-about-men.html; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 18:52)
1. Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them
all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces, so that you can
tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to
make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him Jokes,
it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal...
_______________________________________________________________
Genie
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Men-Jokes/genie.html; Category: Men Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 18:57)
There was a German, Swedish and a Polish guy stranded on a
Island. They find a genie bottle in the water, they rub it and a genie
pops out.
The genie says since there is three of you, each one gets
one wish, so he starts with the German guy and asks him what he
wishes, he says, "I miss my wife and family very much so I would
like to be back home." Poof!, the German guy is gone.
Then the
genie asked the Swedish guy what his wish will be and he says, "I
also miss my wife and family very much I would like to go home
too. Poof!, the Swedish guy is gone.
Then the genie asked the Polish
guy what his wish will be and he says, "You know I miss the other
two guys very much I wish they would come back.
Poof! The German and Swedish guys came back.
_______________________________________________________________
Get a New Car
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Age-Jokes/get-a-new-car.html; Category: Age Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 19:02)
YOU KNOW YOU NEED A NEW CAR WHEN....
You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to
get the duct tape replaced.
You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get
accused of stealing.
The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risks"
You return to your car and find someone broke in and left
a hundred dollars and a new stereo.
You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops
behind you.
_______________________________________________________________
Get Reorganized
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Work-Jokes/get-reorganized.html; Category: Work Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 19:04)
The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney
transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen
transplant, a pancreas trans. . ."
"What makes you think you need all these?"
Well, replied the patient, "My boss said if I wanted to keep my
job I needed to get reorganized."
_______________________________________________________________
Getting Married
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Gender-Jokes/getting-married.html; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 19:06)
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
_______________________________________________________________
Ghost Car
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Driving-Jokes/ghost-car.html; Category: Driving Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 23:13)
A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the
middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was
so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a
car come towards him and stop.
The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to
realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly forward.
The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he
started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when
just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved
the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every
time before a curve.
The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town.
Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila,
and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and
wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same cantina, and one
said to the other. "Look Pete, that's the idiot who climbed into the car
while we were pushing."
_______________________________________________________________
Gifts for Sons
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Sports-Jokes/gifts-for-sons.html; Category: Sports Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 23:14)
A man inherited a little over $1 billion dollars. He had three sons.
He told his sons that since he now had all this money, he would like
to know, what each of them would like to have. He stressed that MONEY
was no object.
His first son said that he had always wanted a Jaguar. The father
went out, and since money was no object, bought him 7 Jaguars in
different colors, so that he would have a different one to drive
every day of the week.
His second son said that he always wanted a motorcycle. So the father
went out, and again since money was no object, bought him 30 new
motorcycles, 10 dirt bikes, 10 hogs, and 10 touring bikes, so he
would have a different bike to ride every day of the month.
His third and youngest son was only 8 years old. So the little guy
said that he simply had wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit. So, money being
no object, his father went out and bought his son the Chicago Bears.
_______________________________________________________________
Give 100%
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Work-Jokes/give-100.html; Category: Work Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 23:16)
ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK.....
* 12% Monday
* 23% Tuesday
* 40% Wednesday
* 20% Thursday
* 5% Friday
_______________________________________________________________
Give Me Money
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Political-Jokes/give-me-money.html; Category: Political Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 23:18)
One Day The President was out jogging without his guards.
All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind
some bushes with a gun.
The masked man said "Give me all your money!"
Unwilling to do so, the President said, "You can't do this,
I'm the President!" The man then replied,...
"Oh, never mind then. Give me MY money!"
_______________________________________________________________
Globilization
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Political-Jokes/globilization.html; Category: Political Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 23:19)
Bubba, Billy Bob, Waylon and Cletis were having a quite quiet beer in
a bar one day.
They got to talking about modern words.
Cletis asked, "what in tarnation is globalization?"
Waylon replied "Princess Diana's death."
The others were perplexed, so Bubba asked, "how come?"
Waylon replied, "an English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was high on Australian beer, Scottish whiskey
and Burmese dope, followed closely by Spanish Paparazzi on Italian
motorcycles with Japanese cameras, treated by an American doctor
using Swiss drugs based on Brazilian medicines, and medical
technology using Bill Gates' software that he stole from the
Taiwanese with hardware based on IBM clones that use Philippine-made
chips and Malaysian made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries made in Korea and driven
by Indians, shipped by Vietnamese crew of ships built in Northern
Ireland owned by Greeks registered in Panama, hijacked by Indonesian
pirates with guns made in Israel, smuggled by Africans and finally
sold by an Arab salesman working through a Hong Kong front!"
The guys all looked stunned.
Waylon smirked and said, "Now that's globalization!"
_______________________________________________________________
God At Our Church
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Religious-Jokes/god-at-our-church.html; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 12 June 2009 03:29)
One Sunday morning an old biker entered
a church just before services were to begin.
Although the old man and his clothes were
spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt
and boots that were very worn and ragged.
In his hand he carried a worn out old leather
jacket and an equally worn out bible.
The church he entered was in a very upscale
and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest
and most beautiful church the old biker had ever
seen.
The people of the congregation were all dressed
with expensive clothes and accessories. As the
biker took a seat, the others moved away from him.
No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him.
They were all appalled at his appearance and
did not attempt to hide it.
The preacher gave a long sermon about Hellfire and
brimstone and a stern lecture on how much money
the church needed to do God's work. As the old biker
was leaving the church, the preacher approached
him and asked the biker to do him a favor. "Before
you come back in here again, have a talk with God
and ask him what He thinks would be appropriate
attire for worship."
The old biker assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services
wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and
leather jacket.
Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.
The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought
I asked you to speak to God before you came back to
our church."
"I did," replied the old biker. "
"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper
attire should be for worshipping in here?" asked the preacher.
"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what
I should wear. He says He's never been here before."
_______________________________________________________________
Fireworks
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Holiday-Jokes/fireworks.html; Category: Holiday Jokes (by RadJokes, published Monday, 15 June 2009 00:00)
Conversation Yesterday during a home fireworks display:
"Wow, that flasher sure was bright!"
"Yeah, it was too bright!"
"It was really annoying! I couldn't even look at it!"
(Silence for a couple of seconds....)
"Hey, let's light ten of them at once!!"
_______________________________________________________________
Gold Urinal
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Political-Jokes/gold-urinal.html; Category: Political Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 30 June 2009 13:55)
George W. Bush was invited to a high level meeting
at the White House.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked
Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
He was astonished to see that the President had a
solid gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about
the urinal. "Just think," he said," when I am
President, I'll get to have a gold urinal!"
The next day, when Laura had lunch with Hillary, she
told Hillary how impressed George had been with his
discovery of the fact that, in the President's
private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready
for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found
out who peed in your saxophone."
_______________________________________________________________
God Created Eve
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Religious-Jokes/god-created-eve.html; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 08 July 2009 13:48)
Top 10 Reasons Why God Created Eve
10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because
he wouldn't ask for directions.
9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV
remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to
see what's ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)
8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.
7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a
new one for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would
never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.
4. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his
tools.
3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for
anything else that was really his fault.
2. As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."
1. And the No. 1 reason of all... God stepped back, looked at Adam,
and declared: "I can do better than that."
_______________________________________________________________
Godfather and Lawyer
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Lawyer-Jokes/godfather-and-lawyer.html; Category: Lawyer Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 08 July 2009 13:50)
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: You get an offer you cannot understand.
_______________________________________________________________
God Will Help Me
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Religious-Jokes/god-will-help-me.html; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 08 July 2009 13:51)
There was a priest who was drowning in the ocean. He called out
to God for help.
All of a sudden, a canoe came and the guy said "Father, let me
help you".
The priest replied "No, no my son. The Lord will save me."
The canoe leaves and the father calls out to God again. All of a
sudden, a yacht showed up.
The captain said "Father, let me help you".
The priest again replied "No my son, the Lord will save me".
The yacht leaves and the father is calling out to God again.
All of a sudden, a big cruise ship showed up.
The captain said with a megaphone "Father, let us help you".
The priest again replied "No my son, the Lord will save me."
The priest drowns and he's in heaven face to face with God.
He says "My Lord, I called out to you but you didn't help me. Why?"
God replied: "I did help you. I sent you three ships".
_______________________________________________________________
Golf Bet
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Sports-Jokes/golf-bet.html; Category: Sports Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 08 July 2009 13:54)
Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a
slick 45-foot, downhill putt. As he lined it up, he announced,
"I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does
anyone want to bet?"
His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather
missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to
collect their money. Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which
he had written, "I can make this putt."
His pals are still trying to collect on the bet and
my grandfather is too.
_______________________________________________________________
Golf Bet II
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Sports-Jokes/golf-bet-ii.html; Category: Sports Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 08 July 2009 13:56)
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second
fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he
usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy play along.
Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say,
we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet
but agrees to the terms.
Well, the second guy wins the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As
they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00,
he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick
on suckers.
The first fellow then reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local
Catholic Church. The pro gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to
give the Priest back his money.
The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet
with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll
marry them for you."
_______________________________________________________________
Golf Camel
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Sports-Jokes/golf-camel.html; Category: Sports Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 08 July 2009 13:57)
Three golfers had a big golf game with a client in Arizona.
They were running late and as luck would have it their car broke
down.
They found a repair garage nearby, but the mechanic told them it
would take four hours to fix their car, which would leave them late
for the game.
"But", he told them, "You're in luck. I have a camel that the three
of you can ride over to the golf course. This camel is smart. He can
read stoplights - he'll stop and go just as the light directs.
So, the three of them pile on the camel, golf clubs and all and took
off.
An hour later, the mechanic saw the three of them standing a couple
of miles down the road and the camel was not in sight.
"What in the world happened and where's my camel?"
"Well, we had stopped at that light and a car pulled up along side of
us. The guy in the car stuck his head out the window and said, 'Look
at the three nuts on that camel!' When we got off to look, the beast
took off when the light turned green."
_______________________________________________________________
Golf Laws
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Sports-Jokes/golf-laws.html; Category: Sports Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 10 July 2009 13:50)
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come.
This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural
tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and
eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by
your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the
number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be
proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf
ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does,
the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing
partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the
universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems
himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to
humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works
against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from
the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than
anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will
consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted
murderer and an IRS agent ...or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly,
"tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one,
sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one
who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your
score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the
sunset of the same day.
_______________________________________________________________
Golf Tournament
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Religious-Jokes/golf-tournament.html; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 10 July 2009 13:56)
Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Nation of Israel
for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years,
Ehud Barak, the leader of Israel, sent back a message to the
College of Cardinals. The proposal was for a friendly game of
golf to be played between the two leaders or their representatives
to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the
Catholic and Jewish faiths. The Pope met with his College of
Cardinals to discuss the proposal.
"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Barak wants to
challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable
to compete I am afraid that this would tarnish our image to the world."
The Pope thought about this and as he had never held a golf club
in his life asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"
"None that plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he
added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who
is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask
him to play Mr.Barak as your personal representative. In addition to
showing our spirit of co-operation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a great idea. The call was made. Of course,
Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play as a representative of the
Pope.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform
the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news,
Your Holiness," said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've
played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the
best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above.
My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful,
and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly
miraculous."
"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed, "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."
_______________________________________________________________
Golf With God
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Sports-Jokes/golf-with-god.html; Category: Sports Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 10 July 2009 13:58)
Moses, Jesus, and an older, bearded man were out
playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee
and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway
but rolled directly toward a water hazard.
Quickly, Moses raised his club, the water parted
and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice
long one, directly toward the same water hazard.
It landed directly in the center of the pond and
kind of hovered over the water.
Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped
it up onto the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked
the ball. It headed out over the fence and into
oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced
off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there it
bounced onto the roof of a nearby shack and
rolled down into the gutter, down the down spout,
out onto the fairway, and right toward the afore-
mentioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hit a
little stone and bounced out over the water and
onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly.
Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the
lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth.
Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the
frog and flew away. As they passed over the green,
the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball,
which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful
hole-in-one.
Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate
playing with your Dad."
_______________________________________________________________
Good, Bad, Ugly
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Gender-Jokes/good-bad-ugly.html; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 10 July 2009 14:01)
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
_______________________________________________________________
Goodbye to Mother
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Animal-Jokes/goodbye-to-mother.html; Category: Animal Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 10 July 2009 14:03)
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up,
cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots
back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to
the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not
wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver
"He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -"Sorry I took so long"
he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her
with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
_______________________________________________________________
Good For Nothing
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Kid-Jokes/good-for-nothing.html; Category: Kid Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 14 July 2009 13:39)
As a distinguished matron approached the church entrance, a
little boy stepped aside and held the door for her.
"What a polite little doorman," she said as she walked
through. "Is there a tip involved?"
"Oh, no," answered the young man. "My mother taught me never
to be good for money, but always to be good for nothing."
_______________________________________________________________
Good Old Days
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Work-Jokes/good-old-days.html; Category: Work Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 14 July 2009 13:41)
A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained
about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days.
"Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think that they were old
enough to remember them."
_______________________________________________________________
Go To Church
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Religious-Jokes/go-to-church.html; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 14 July 2009 13:44)
Coming out of church, Mrs. Peterson asked her husband, "Do you
think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?"
"I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Peterson.
"And that dress Mrs. Hansen was wearing," continued Mrs. Peterson,
"Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper costume for a mother of two."
"I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Peterson.
"Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Peterson. "A lot of good it does
you to go to church."
_______________________________________________________________
Government Workers
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Work-Jokes/government-workers.html; Category: Work Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 14 July 2009 13:47)
A guy stopped at a local gas station and, after filling his tank, he
paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink
his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The
other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was
digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.
The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on
down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can
into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going
on here with all this digging and refilling?"
"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one
of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other
fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting
the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his
shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer
and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here
puts the dirt back. Elmer's job's been cut... so now it's just me an'
Leroy".
_______________________________________________________________
Grass Is Greener
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Quotes-Stories-and-Stuff/grass-is-greener.html; Category: Quotes Stories and Stuff (by Webcontrz, published Tuesday, 14 July 2009 13:50)
If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet that the water
bill is higher.
_______________________________________________________________
Greatest Hitter
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Kid-Jokes/greatest-hitter.html; Category: Kid Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 14 July 2009 13:51)
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted
through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting
a ball and bat:
"I'm the greatest batter in the world," he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
"Strike One!" he yelled.
Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the
greatest hitter in the world!"
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he
swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball
carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together.
He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the
greatest batter in the world!"
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it.
He missed. "Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world, too!"
_______________________________________________________________
Engineer's Christmas Report
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Holiday-Jokes/engineers-christmas-report.html; Category: Holiday Jokes (by RadJokes, published Monday, 26 October 2009 15:47)
There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa
doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish & Buddhist children, that
reduces the workload to 15% of the total -378 million according to Population
Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household,
that's 91.8 million homes.
One presumes that there's at least one good child in each. Santa has 31 hours of
Christmas to work with. This is due to the different time zones...
Read more...
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Holiday-Jokes/engineers-christmas-report.html
_______________________________________________________________
Fruitcake Recipie
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Holiday-Jokes/fruitcake-recipie.html; Category: Holiday Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 02 November 2009 00:00)
You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar,
four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking
soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice,
nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest
quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large
fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.
Turn off the mixerer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl
and chuck in the cup of dried fruit...
Read more...
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Holiday-Jokes/fruitcake-recipie.html
_______________________________________________________________
Government Night Before Christmas
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Holiday-Jokes/government-night-before-christmas.html; Category: Holiday Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 02 November 2009 00:00)
'Twas the Night Before Christmas
- Written by the Government
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual
Yuletide celebration, and throughout the place of residence, kinetic
activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential,
including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus (mouse).
Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood
burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure
regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among
whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual
hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically
through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our
nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the
hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the
grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt
compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose
of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this
fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without,
reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline
precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself
- thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a
miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive
specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur
so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he
was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power
traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than
patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath
musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by
his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. -
guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which
structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the
32 cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was
performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved -
with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke
passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony
residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on
the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed
largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in
a commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his
submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging
amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance
were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the
former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the
latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and
supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their
ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and
columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey
fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a
decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was
high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region
undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical
container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese,
jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me
visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By
rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head
slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was
groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned
articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously
dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he
executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral
juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a
gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by
renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself
in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of
air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of
burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable
chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I
overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his
vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the
planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest
wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period
between sunset and dawn."
_______________________________________________________________
Drop the Turkey
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Holiday-Jokes/drop-the-turkey.html; Category: Holiday Jokes (by RadJokes, published Monday, 30 November 2009 00:00)
Q. What disaster could happen if your dropped the
Christmas turkey?
A. The downfall of Turkey, the breakup of China, and the
over-throw of Greece.
_______________________________________________________________
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Star Defence
http://www.radjokes.com/Online-Games/Action-Games/star-defence.html; Category: Action Games (by RadJokes, published Thursday, 28 May 2009 07:00)
Free Online Games http://armorgames.com brought to you by Armor Games
http://armorgames.com
_______________________________________________________________
Sonny
http://www.radjokes.com/Online-Games/Action-Games/sonny.html; Category: Action Games (by RadJokes, published Saturday, 20 June 2009 07:00)
Free Online Games http://armorgames.com brought to you by Armor Games
http://armorgames.com
_______________________________________________________________
Gemcraft
http://www.radjokes.com/Online-Games/Strategy-Games/gemcraft.html; Category: Strategy Games (by RadJokes, published Sunday, 28 June 2009 07:00)
Free Online Games http://armorgames.com brought to you by Armor Games
http://armorgames.com
_______________________________________________________________
Hedgehog Launch
http://www.radjokes.com/Online-Games/Action-Games/hedgehog-launch.html; Category: Action Games (by RadJokes, published Monday, 20 July 2009 07:00)
Free Online Games http://armorgames.com brought to you by Armor Games
http://armorgames.com
_______________________________________________________________
Warfare 1917
http://www.radjokes.com/Online-Games/Strategy-Games/warfare-1917.html; Category: Strategy Games (by RadJokes, published Tuesday, 28 July 2009 07:00)
Free Online Games http://armorgames.com brought to you by Armor Games
http://armorgames.com
_______________________________________________________________
Coffee Shop
http://www.radjokes.com/Online-Games/Strategy-Games/coffee-shop.html; Category: Strategy Games (by RadJokes, published Tuesday, 28 July 2009 07:00)
Free Online Games http://armorgames.com brought to you by Armor Games
http://armorgames.com
_______________________________________________________________
==================================
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PETA, President Obama, and the Fly
http://www.radjokes.com/News/Funny-News-Stories/peta-president-obama-and-the-fly.html; Category: Funny News Stories (by RadJokes, published Friday, 19 June 2009 13:30)
THE GROUP PEOPLE FOR THE ETHICAL TREATMENT OF ANIMALS WANTS THE FLYSWATTER IN CHIEF TO
TRY TAKING A MORE HUMANE ATTITUDE THE NEXT TIME HE\'S BEDEVILED BY A FLY IN THE WHITE
HOUSE. PEOPLE FOR THE ETHICAL TREATMENT OF ANIMALS WANTS THE FLYSWATTER IN CHIEF TO TRY
TAKING A MORE HUMANE ATTITUDE THE NEXT TIME HE\'S BEDEVILED BY A FLY IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
PETA Wishes Obama Hadn\'t Swatted That Fly
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,527001,00.html
Webmaster's Comments:
Point #1: I didn't know a fly was an animal.
Point #2: The high deficit, out of control spending, and takeover of businesses was OK.
But swatting the fly shows President Obama isn't perfect? These folks are focusing on the
wrong things....
_______________________________________________________________
==================================
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Pictures so funny, you'll want to share them with your friends!
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Dead or Alive
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Political-Pictures/dead-or-alive.html; Category: Political Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 29 May 2009 13:59)
_______________________________________________________________
Going to Church
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Sign-Pictures/going-to-church.html; Category: Sign Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 29 May 2009 14:01)
_______________________________________________________________
Always Coca-Cola
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Oddball-Pictures/always-coca-cola.html; Category: Oddball Pictures (by Unknown, published Saturday, 30 May 2009 02:15)
_______________________________________________________________
No Porn
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Rated-R-Pictures/no-porn.html; Category: Rated R Pictures (by Unknown, published Saturday, 30 May 2009 02:16)
_______________________________________________________________
Fun In The Kitchen
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Animal-Pictures/fun-in-the-kitchen.html; Category: Animal Pictures (by Unknown, published Saturday, 30 May 2009 02:19)
_______________________________________________________________
Fair-Minded
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Oddball-Pictures/fair-minded.html; Category: Oddball Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 19 June 2009 05:17)
_______________________________________________________________
Falling Cow?
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Sign-Pictures/falling-cow.html; Category: Sign Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 19 June 2009 05:20)
_______________________________________________________________
Florida Voting Machine
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Political-Pictures/florida-voting-machine.html; Category: Political Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 19 June 2009 05:22)
_______________________________________________________________
Welcome to Florida
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Travel-Pictures/welcome-to-florida.html; Category: Travel Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 19 June 2009 05:25)
_______________________________________________________________
Friendly Fire
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Cute-Pictures/friendly-fire.html; Category: Cute Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 19 June 2009 05:28)
_______________________________________________________________
Gulf Wars Episode II
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Political-Pictures/gulf-wars-episode-ii.html; Category: Political Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 19 June 2009 05:34)
_______________________________________________________________
Get Her Diamonds
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Sign-Pictures/get-her-diamonds.html; Category: Sign Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 19 June 2009 05:41)
_______________________________________________________________
Give Credit To God
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Sign-Pictures/give-credit-to-god.html; Category: Sign Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 19 June 2009 05:45)
_______________________________________________________________
God's Creatures
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Sign-Pictures/gods-creatures.html; Category: Sign Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 19 June 2009 05:52)
_______________________________________________________________
Great Sports Moment
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Sports-Pictures/great-sports-moment.html; Category: Sports Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 19 June 2009 06:00)
_______________________________________________________________
Does the Church Care?
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Sign-Pictures/does-the-church-care.html; Category: Sign Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 19 June 2009 06:09)
_______________________________________________________________
Go To Church
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Sign-Pictures/go-to-church.html; Category: Sign Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 19 June 2009 06:20)
_______________________________________________________________
Clash of the Titans
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Driving-Pictures/clash-of-the-titans.html; Category: Driving Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 19 June 2009 06:25)
_______________________________________________________________
Redneck Detergent
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Redneck-Pictures/redneck-detergent.html; Category: Redneck Pictures (by Unknown, published Sunday, 05 July 2009 00:00)
_______________________________________________________________
Donut Land
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Real-Pictures/donut-land.html; Category: Real Pictures (by Unknown, published Sunday, 05 July 2009 00:00)
_______________________________________________________________
Redneck Hands-Free Cell
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Redneck-Pictures/redneck-hands-free-cell.html; Category: Redneck Pictures (by Unknown, published Sunday, 05 July 2009 00:00)
_______________________________________________________________
Drop Your Pants Off Here
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Sign-Pictures/drop-your-pants-off-here.html; Category: Sign Pictures (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 14 July 2009 13:53)
_______________________________________________________________
Cliff Hanger
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Driving-Pictures/cliff-hanger.html; Category: Driving Pictures (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 14 July 2009 13:57)
_______________________________________________________________
Closed Minds
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Bumper-Stickers/closed-minds.html; Category: Bumper Stickers (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 14 July 2009 13:58)
_______________________________________________________________
Closing or Hiring?
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Work-Pictures/closing-or-hiring.html; Category: Work Pictures (by Unknown, published Thursday, 26 November 2009 16:05)
_______________________________________________________________
==================================
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Driving
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Cute-Jokes/driving.html; Category: Cute Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 13:46)
Johnny had just received his brand new drivers license. The
family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where
he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad
immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the new
driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after
all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat
teaching me how to drive," says the boy.
"Nope, I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat while
you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
_______________________________________________________________
Driving Blessing
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Age-Jokes/driving-blessing.html; Category: Age Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 13:48)
At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around
talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup
of coffee", said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I
can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands
are so crippled", volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! I can't turn my
head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth,
to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed
another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old", winced
an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded
in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully.
"Thank God we can all still drive."
_______________________________________________________________
Driving Blonde
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Blonde-Jokes/driving-blonde.html; Category: Blonde Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 13:51)
A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when
she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".
After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "Oh, well !" and turned
around an drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said
"CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles,
she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
_______________________________________________________________
Driving Permit
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Kid-Jokes/driving-permit.html; Category: Kid Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 13:53)
A young boy had just received his driving permit. He asked his
father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car.
His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal
with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get
your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if
they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's
study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You
have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but
you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been
thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long
hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."
To which his father replied... "Yes, and they WALKED every where
they went!"
_______________________________________________________________
Driving Pope
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Religious-Jokes/driving-pope.html; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 13:55)
After getting all Pope John-Paul II's luggage loaded in the limo (and
His Holiness doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope
is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the
driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me
drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never
gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after
exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the
limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!," pleads the worried driver, but
the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman
approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his
motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he
says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that; he's really important," said the
cop.
"All the more reason."
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"
"Bigger."
"Governor?"
"Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
"I think it's God!"
"What makes you think it's God?"
"He's got the Pope driving for him!"
_______________________________________________________________
Driving Quiz
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Driving-Jokes/driving-quiz.html; Category: Driving Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 13:57)
You are sitting behind the wheel in a car keeping a constant speed,
on you left side there is an abyss.
On your right side you have a fire engine
and it keeps the same speed as you.
In front of you runs a pig, larger than your car.
A helicopter is following you,
at ground level.
Both the helicopter and the pig are
keeping the same speed as you.
What will you need to do to be able to stop?
Answer:
Get out of the car,
step down from the merry-go-round
_______________________________________________________________
Driving Rules
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Driving-Jokes/driving-rules.html; Category: Driving Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 13:58)
1. When using a metered entrance ramp, vehicles
in the carpool lane do not need to stop. Similarly,
vehicles NOT in the diamond lane also do not need
to stop.
2. If, at any time, you have witnessed a green
light, it is okay to proceed through the intersection,
regardless of the current color of the light.
3. The shoulder becomes a lane if you are driving
a Porsche.
4. If you paid more than $60,000 for your car,
you automatically have the right of way, regardless of
the situation. This is especially applicable in parking
lots.
5. Drive as quickly as possible through parking
structures. Pass any open spot by at least four car
lengths before backing up to claim it. Disregard
the angry mob that has formed behind you.
6. Get to know your horn. Use it as often as possible.
7. While driving on the freeway and talking on
your cell phone, alternate between 45 and 100 MPH.
This is especially effective if driving in the fast lane.
8. Every lane is the suicide lane.
9. Always set the alarm to its most sensitive setting
before leaving your car in a parking ramp.
10. During rush hour, drivers should pass the time
by reading Deepak Chopra or L. Ron Hubbard, and
practice inner peace when cut off by a Mercedes.
11. If you miss your exit, no worries. Just cut
across six lanes of traffic and drive over the
divider. If you really weren?t supposed to cross
it, they would make it out of concrete instead of
icicle plants.
12. For parking purposes, all SUV?s are compact
cars. Honest.
13. To calculate the proper speed limit on the
freeway, subtract your age from 100. Double this
number if your car has dual exhaust. Conversely,
add your age to 100 if you are driving on the U.S. 101
or suffering from a midlife crisis.
14. If you hear sirens, DO NOT pull over. Slow
down exactly where you are and start looking for
carnage.
15. If a cop attempts to pull you over, give chase.
You won?t get away, but it's guaranteed you?ll
make live TV. Towards the end of the chase, be sure to
throw random items out of your window. It will
give the reporters something to talk about on the 4, 5,
6, 8, 9, 10, and 11 o? clock news.
16. Never use your turn signal, unless of course
you are on the freeway with no intention of merging.
17. Totally disregard on-coming traffic.
18. If there are already three cars stopped at a
four way stop, accelerate immediately. Otherwise, one of
those cars might go ahead of you!
19. Rush hour at the 101/405 interchange is from 5
AM to 11 PM, except around holidays that create
airport traffic, when hours are extended to 3 AM.
20. Never Carpool.
21. Take full advantage of your right to u-turn.
Laugh aloud at people from other states who turn
around in driveways.
22. In case of rain, immediately pull over. You
can not drive in any sort of precipitation.
23. While driving uphill, do not down shift.
While driving downhill, ride your brakes.
24. When parking on a hill, turn your wheels out,
set the emergency brake, remove radio face, enable the
alarm, and put The Club? on your steering wheel.
25. On narrow canyon roads, feel free to use the
center divider as a passing lane.
_______________________________________________________________
Driving School Exam Answers
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Driving-Jokes/driving-school-exam-answers.html; Category: Driving Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 14:00)
The following are a few samples of REAL answers received on exams
given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school
(Most probably from people who failed the first four times)
Q. Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A. What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q. Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way
stop at the same time?
A. The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker
saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q. When driving through fog, what should you use?
A. Your car.
Q. What problems would you face if you were arrested for
drunk driving?
A. I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q. What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no
longer drive lawfully?
A. I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q. What is the difference between a flashing red traffic
light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A. The color.
Q. What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A. Carry loaded weapons.
Q. What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A. Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
_______________________________________________________________
Driving Teacher
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Driving-Jokes/driving-teacher.html; Category: Driving Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 14:03)
Larry and Moe were driving their pickup truck around Florida.
When they got to the traffic light, Larry drove right through the red light.
Moe cried, "Larry, what the heck are you doing?"
Larry kept driving and replied, "Don't worry, my brother taught me to drive".
When they got to the next light, Larry drove through another red light.
Moe asked, "Why do you keep running red lights?".
Larry said, "Don't worry, my brother taught me to drive."
When they got to the third light, Larry slammed on the brakes and screeched
to a halt at a green light.
Moe asked, "Larry, why would you drive through red lights but stop at green lights!?"
Larry replied:
"My brother might be coming the other way!"
_______________________________________________________________
Drunk
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Police-Jokes/drunk.html; Category: Police Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 14:06)
Officer: "Good evening sir. We're testing drivers for drunken driving.
Would you please blow into this machine?".
Man: "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get
out of air".
Officer: "Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test".
Man: "I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to
death".
Officer: "Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line".
Man: "Can't do that either".
Officer: "Why not?".
Man: "Because I'm dead drunk."
_______________________________________________________________
Drunk Pilots
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Airplane-Jokes/drunk-pilots.html; Category: Airplane Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 14:07)
Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After awhile,
just drinking gets boring, so the first guy looks at the second guy
and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?"
The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"
So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the
plane. Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to
land. The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to
land, and he sees an airstrip close by. He says his new buddy along
for the ride, "Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as
any."
So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last
minute he swerves and pulls back up. "Nuts!" he says, "That is the
SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to
land on it?" But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try
again, with the same result.
Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right,
I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it we're just
going to crash and hope we don't die." So they end up crashing, and
miraculously neither is hurt.
When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is swears
and gesticulates wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever
designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron!
No one could land on anything that short!"
The second guy looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it
is!"
_______________________________________________________________
But Dust
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Religious-Jokes/but-dust.html; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 14:10)
A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer.
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look
on his upturned face.
"Without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued but at that moment a very obedient daughter (who was
listening intently for a change) leaned over to her mother and asked quite
audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"
_______________________________________________________________
Dying Family
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Blonde-Jokes/dying-family.html; Category: Blonde Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 14:11)
A Blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks
sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The Blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call
saying that my mother had passed away."
"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for
the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to
relax and rest."
The Blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here.
I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of
doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the Blonde to work as usual. "If
you need anything, just let me know," he says.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the Blonde.
He looks out over his office and sees the Blonde crying
hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to
be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No," replies the Blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and
she said that HER mom died too!"
_______________________________________________________________
Efficiency Expert
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/People-Jokes/efficiency-expert.html; Category: People Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 15:15)
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't
want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "
She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often
carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try
carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast.
Now I do it in seven."
_______________________________________________________________
Elephant Question
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Stupid-Jokes/elephant-question.html; Category: Stupid Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 15:18)
Q) Why is an elephant big, gray, and wrinkly?
A) Because, if it was small, white and smooth
would be an Aspirin.
_______________________________________________________________
Elevator Problem
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Stupid-Jokes/elevator-problem.html; Category: Stupid Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 15:19)
I was alone in the elevator when a voice came on the intercom and
asked if any lights on the control panel were lit. The elevator's
computer was having problems, the voice explained. As I was replying,
a man stepped in and I could see from the expression on his face that
he thought I was talking to myself. I told him that I was speaking
to the intercom, but, to my dismay, the device remained silent.
"Come on," I pleaded into the speaker. "This guy thinks I'm crazy."
No response. We reached the man's floor and he exited. But just as
the door closed, a hearty laugh came over the intercom.
"Did he get off?" the voice asked. "I'm sorry, but I just couldn't
resist!"
_______________________________________________________________
Employed by a School
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Education-Jokes/employed-by-a-school.html; Category: Education Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 15:34)
YOU MIGHT BE EMPLOYED BY A SCHOOL IF.....
1. You believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick.
2. You want to slug the next person who says, "Must be nice to work 8 to
3:20 and have summers free."
3. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
4. You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report
card.
5. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy,
the kids sure are mellow today."
6. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you
do not know and correct their behavior.
7. You have no social life between August and June.
8. Marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much easier.
9. You think people should be required to get a government permit before
being allowed to reproduce.
10. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
11. You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the
"lounge".
12. You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home
schooling.
13. You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child
that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.
14. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
15. You know you are in for a major project when a parent says, "I have a
great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."
16. Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question, "Why is this
kid like this?"
_______________________________________________________________
End of the World
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Story-Jokes/end-of-the-world.html; Category: Story Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 15:35)
Meteorological experts predicted a massive flood that would destroy the
world.
The Pope went on worldwide TV and said,
"This is punishment from God. Prepare to meet your maker."
The president went on TV and announced,
"Our scientists have done all they can. The end is near."
The mayor of Seattle came on and said,
"Due to inclement weather, this year's Seafair Parade will be moved to
the top of Queen Anne Hill."
_______________________________________________________________
Enemies
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Stupid-Jokes/enemies.html; Category: Stupid Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 15:38)
A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.
"How are we faring?" asks the king.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on our behalf all day,
burning the towns of your enemies in the west."
"What?!?" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."
_______________________________________________________________
Engineer Jokes
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Work-Jokes/engineer-jokes.html; Category: Work Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 15:41)
Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in
a way you don't understand.
Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an
undertaker.
Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of
his own.
Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did
last year.
Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a
road map the wrong way.
_______________________________________________________________
Errand
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Gender-Jokes/errand.html; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 15:54)
It was a terrible night, blowing cold and snow in a most frightful
manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to
close up shop when a little Jewish man slipped through the door. He
carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters
and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet, freezing, and
bedraggled.
As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two poppy seed
bagels to go, please?"
The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"
"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for
Sherry."
"Sherry is your wife?" asked the baker.
"What did you think," snapped the little man, "that my mother would send
me out on a night like this?"
_______________________________________________________________
ESP
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Money-Jokes/esp.html; Category: Money Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 15:58)
Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's checkbook, Mike
made a deal with her; he would look at it, but only after
she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape.
The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs
and figures, Cindy said proudly, "I've done it! I made it
balance!"
Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. "Let's see...
mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." His brow
wrinkled as he read the last entry. "It says here ESP, $615.
What the heck is that?"
"Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!"
_______________________________________________________________
Eternal Truths
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Quotes-Stories-and-Stuff/eternal-truths.html; Category: Quotes Stories and Stuff (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:00)
Eternal Truths
1. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
2. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
3. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
4. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
5. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
6. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He
didn't trust me so much.
7. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
8. If the shoe fits ... buy it in every color.
9. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
10. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.
11. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.
12. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
13. Some days are a total waste of makeup.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
16. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.
17. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
18. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three
weeks before you need it.
19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
20. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to
make them all yourself.
_______________________________________________________________
Even Even More Definitions
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Lists/even-even-more-definitions.html; Category: Lists (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:02)
Willpower: The ability to eat only one salted
peanut.
Experience: A comb life gives you after you
lose your hair.
Vacation: A time when parents realize that
teachers aren't paid enough.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
_______________________________________________________________
Even More Bumper Stickers
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Lists/even-more-bumper-stickers.html; Category: Lists (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:05)
If you don't like the way I'm driving, YOU come get these handcuffs off!
If you are close enough to read this, I am close enough to slam on my
brakes and sue you.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get.
Drive defensively - buy a tank.
Don't make me mad - I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Go on, I'll see you at the next traffic light.
I may be slow but I'm ahead of you!
Where are we going and what am I doing in this handbasket?
On the back of an old pickup: If this truck was a horse, I'd have to
shoot it.
I brake for tailgaters. Hard.
If you can read this, you are in phaser range.
Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is.
FREE TIBET! (with the purchase of a 44 oz. drink).
My kid was Prisoner of the Month at Orange County Jail.
*Get in - buckle up - pipe down - and hold on!
_______________________________________________________________
Even More Definitions
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Lists/even-more-definitions.html; Category: Lists (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:06)
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now
growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after
they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do
more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH: A female moth.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character.
_______________________________________________________________
Exercise Helps
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Health-Jokes/exercise-helps.html; Category: Health Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:08)
It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you
add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to
spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
_______________________________________________________________
Express Line
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Work-Jokes/express-line.html; Category: Work Jokes (by RadJokes, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:17)
My friend, Mike, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the
act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front of the store
(near the cash registers), when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried
to run.
After a scuffle, Mike pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a
number of surprised customers staring at him.
"Everything's fine, folks," he reassured them...
"This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than ten
items."
_______________________________________________________________
Extra Mile
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Driving-Jokes/extra-mile.html; Category: Driving Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:38)
Driving down the highway one day, I saw this slogan
on the back of a very well-known trucking company's
vehicle:
"We Always Go the Extra Mile."
Then I noticed another phrase scrawled in the dirt just
below it:
"That's Because We Missed the Last Exit."
_______________________________________________________________
Extra Office Work
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Office-Jokes/extra-office-work.html; Category: Office Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:41)
The boss came early in the morning one day
and found his manager kissing his secretary.
He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"
The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free
of charge."
_______________________________________________________________
Eyes Light Up
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Blonde-Jokes/eyes-light-up.html; Category: Blonde Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:42)
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in her ear!
_______________________________________________________________
Face Freeze
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Education-Jokes/face-freeze.html; Category: Education Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:44)
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground,
Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a
child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like
that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
_______________________________________________________________
Bulb and Factory
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Blonde-Jokes/bulb-and-factory.html; Category: Blonde Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:45)
Two factory workers were talking. "I think I'll take some time
off from work." said the man."
"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.
He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and
hanging upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging
from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing.
"I'm a light bulb" answered the guy."
"I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man
jumped down and walked out of the factory.
The blonde began walking out too. The boss asked her "Where do
you think you're going?"
The blonde answered, "Home. I can't work in the dark".
_______________________________________________________________
Factory Workers
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Gender-Jokes/factory-workers.html; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:47)
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory
that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local
woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you
limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think
women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our
employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being
shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't
pout when I yell at them."
_______________________________________________________________
Facts of Life
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Gender-Jokes/facts-of-life.html; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 18:57)
Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can
visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon
returning home, she will call the same friend and
they will talk for three hours.
Women will drive miles out of their way to
avoid the possibility of getting lost using a
shortcut.
Women do NOT want an honest answer to the
question, 'How do I look?'
PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter
(or at least men think it means that). PMS also
stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My
Spouse.
The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.
Women will make three right-hand turns to
avoid making one left-hand turn.
'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different
meaning in woman-language than it does in man-
language.
Women cannot use a map without turning the map
to correspond to the direction that they are
heading.
All women are overweight by definition; don't
agree with them about it. Women always have 5
pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless
they really have 5 pounds to gain.
If it is not Valentine's Day and you see a man
in a flower shop, you can probably start up a
conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'
Only women understand the reason for 'guest
towels' and the 'good china'.
All women seek equality with men until it comes to
sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and
picking up the check.
If a man ticks off a woman she will often
respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which
warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the
lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by
the guys (which gets them in More trouble).
Women never check to see if the lid is up.
They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap
towards the bowl and then chewing men out because
they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two
seconds and lowering it themselves.
Women can get out of speeding tickets by
pouting. This will get men arrested.
Women don't really care about a sense of humor
in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't
see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to
Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
Men can never catch women checking out other men;
women will always catch men checking out other women.
_______________________________________________________________
Failed Pickup Lines
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Pickup-Lines/failed-pickup-lines.html; Category: Pickup Lines (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 18:59)
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
_______________________________________________________________
Faith
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Religious-Jokes/faith.html; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 19:01)
A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to
minister to an outpatient.
On the way back, they were a few miles from home when they ran out of
gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a trucker
approached.
Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his
help. The nuns explained they needed some gas.
The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank,
but he didn't have a bucket or can. One of the nuns dug out a clean
bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it.
He said yes, and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the
pan. He waved good-bye to the nuns and left.
The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank
when the highway patrol came by. The trooper stopped and watched for a
while, then he approached the nuns and said:
"Sisters, I don't think what you're doing will work, but I sure have to
say, I do admire your strong faith!"
_______________________________________________________________
Family Member
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Lawyer-Jokes/family-member.html; Category: Lawyer Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 19:03)
A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected,
a large crowd gathered. A lawyer anxious to get there first
could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started
shouting loudly,
"Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
_______________________________________________________________
Family Pants
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Gender-Jokes/family-pants.html; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 19:06)
Jack and Jill were getting married.
Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his
dad says, "I remember when your mom and I got married.
I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on."
"I can't wear these," she said.
"Darn right," he said, "I wear the pants in this family, and you'd better
remember that."
"I think I'll try that on Jill," Jack said.
He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.
"Put these on," he said.
Jill replied, "I can't wear these."
"Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you'd better remember
that," he said.
Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.
"I can't get in to these," he said.
"Darn right," Jill said. "And if you don't change your attitude you never will!"
_______________________________________________________________
Family Stress Test
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Quotes-Stories-and-Stuff/family-stress-test.html; Category: Quotes Stories and Stuff (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 19:08)
FAMILY STRESS TEST
Score:
0 if the statement is never true
1 if it is rarely true,
2 if it is sometimes true
3 if it is always true.
1. ____ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun
down, and then we can talk".
2. ____ The school principal has your number on
speed dial.
3. ____...
Read more...
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Quotes-Stories-and-Stuff/family-stress-test.html
_______________________________________________________________
Famous Last Words
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Quotes-Stories-and-Stuff/famous-last-words.html; Category: Quotes Stories and Stuff (by RadJokes, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 19:10)
What do you mean, "I'll be back"?
Why is the rest of the Star Trek landing party wearing a different color?
Pull the pin and count to what?
Which wire was I supposed to cut?
I wonder where the mother bear is.
I've seen this done on TV.
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
I'll hold it and you light the f...
Read more...
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Quotes-Stories-and-Stuff/famous-last-words.html
_______________________________________________________________
Farmer Math
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Quotes-Stories-and-Stuff/farmer-math.html; Category: Quotes Stories and Stuff (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 19:12)
A fifth generation farmer has determined that his son will
be the first in their family to go to college. So he and the wife save
every penny for years and when the big day comes for junior to leave for
school, the old man is the proudest he's ever been.
After the first semester junior comes home for Christmas
break and the old man sits him down for a talk. "Well, boy,
you been at school for three months now, I want you to tell
me some of that fancy book learnin'."
So junior says, "My favorite class is math, pa. Just last
week we learned a new formula...Pi r squared."
At hearing this the old man screws up his eyes and smacks his forehead,
"Dog gone-it! I spent all that money on schooling and all you can tell
me is Pi r squared? Why everybody know pie are round...CORNBREAD are
squared!"
_______________________________________________________________
Farting
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Gender-Jokes/farting.html; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 19:14)
A couple traveling cross country decided to stop for a cup of coffee in a
local diner somewhere in Texas. While they were sitting at a booth
near the counter sipping their coffee, a local cowboy stumbles in and
heads for the closest stool at the counter. As he lifts his leg over
the stool, he cuts one of the loudest farts ever heard by a human.
The tourist jumps up and yells,
"Sir, how dare you fart before my wife!"
The cowboy stopped, tipped his hat politely and says,
"I'm awful sorry ma'am...I didn't know we was a takin' turns."
_______________________________________________________________
Farts
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Health-Jokes/farts.html; Category: Health Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 19:16)
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I
have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother
me too much. They never smell and are always silent.
As a matter of fact, I've passed gas at least 20 times
since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I
was passing gas because they don't smell and are silent.
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back
to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I
don't know what medicine you gave me, but now my gas.....
although still silent... smells terrible."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your
sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
_______________________________________________________________
Father-Son Chat
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/People-Jokes/father-son-chat.html; Category: People Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 19:18)
A recently graduated man and woman were working to-gather in an
office, where the young man was very much attracted to
the girl and formed a crush. He extracted some preliminary
information from the girl and knew which street the girl was living.
But he did not know exact house number. He was not able to curb his
desire to see her over weekend and thought of going to the girls'
home and surprise her as 'I was in the neighborhood" excuse to
meet her.
He saw a gentleman near her home. He asked him, "Could you please
tell me where does Simran Chopra live around here?"
The gentleman inquired, "May I please know why you want to see
her?"
The boy presented excuse, "Well, I have some important business
with her. I am her brother."
The guy expressed amazement, "I see! But I insist you tell me what
business you have with her, because I am her father."
_______________________________________________________________
Female Golf Terms
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Sports-Jokes/female-golf-terms.html; Category: Sports Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 19:21)
FEMALE GOLFING TERMS:
CADDY
2 women talking about a 3rd who isn't there to defend herself.
CHIPPING
Time to get our nails done again.
DOUBLE BOGIE
"Casablanca" followed by "African Queen."
FAIRWAY
Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.
GOOD LIE
Weight on our driver's license.
GREENS
Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger.
HOLE-IN-ONE
Time to get new pantyhose.
IRON
What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.
ROUGH
Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything.
SHAFT
You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing.
TEES
Putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee.
WATER HAZARD
Giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip.
WEDGE
Bathing suit that's too tight
_______________________________________________________________
Final Exam
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Redneck-Jokes/final-exam.html; Category: Redneck Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 28 May 2009 05:11)
Redneck School of Engineering - Final Exam
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree
that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when
placed on blocks in your front yard? A) '66 Ford Fairlane B)
'69 Chevrolet Chevelle C) '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20
gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary
to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm.
The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470
per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree
diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take
to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of
R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers
with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch
length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When
the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an
average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children
place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep
grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average
traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to a
void the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain?
*For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have
mufflers and uncracked windshields?
9. A Coal Mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area.
The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the
beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will
be smoked during the shift?
10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs
shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?
_______________________________________________________________
Fine Wine
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Gender-Jokes/fine-wine.html; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 28 May 2009 05:14)
Men are like fine wine. They all start out
like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on
them and keep them in the dark until
they mature into something with which
you'd like to have dinner with."
"Women are like fine wine. They all start
out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the
mind and then turn full-bodied with age
until they go all sour and vinegary and
give you a headache."
_______________________________________________________________
First Day of School
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Education-Jokes/first-day-of-school.html; Category: Education Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:03)
A child came home from his first day at school.
His Mother asked: 'Well, what did you learn today?'
The kid replied: 'Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow.
_______________________________________________________________
Fishing
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Stupid-Jokes/fishing.html; Category: Stupid Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:06)
There is a guy who wants to go ice fishing, so he goes
to the ice and cuts a hole in it.
He hears, "THERE ARE NO FISH IN HERE."
He leaves and goes to another spot on the ice.
He hears, "THERE ARE NO FISH IN HERE."
Baffled, the guy asks, "Is this God?"
The voice responds, "No, this is the skating rink owner!"
_______________________________________________________________
Fishing Blondes
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Blonde-Jokes/fishing-blondes.html; Category: Blonde Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:07)
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with
the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps
them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your
fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.
"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game
Warden. "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing.
We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris
off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were
horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.
"Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the
debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started
laughing hysterically.
"What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't
he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"
_______________________________________________________________
Fishing Trip
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Gender-Jokes/fishing-trip.html; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:13)
"So, what's the matter?" asked one woman of her friend over
coffee. "I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing
fishing trip with your husband."
"Oh, everything went wrong," the second woman answered.
"First, he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish.
Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I
was reeling in too soon.
"All that might have been all right; but then, to make
matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"
_______________________________________________________________
Fist Fight
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Quotes-Stories-and-Stuff/fist-fight.html; Category: Quotes Stories and Stuff (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:14)
"Never get into fist fights with ugly people, they have nothing
to lose."
_______________________________________________________________
Fixing the Ad
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Headline-Jokes/fixing-the-ad.html; Category: Headline Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:19)
The following is an ad from a newspaper which appeared four days in a
row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's
mistake.
MONDAY:
For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707
after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY:
Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It
should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707
and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."
WEDNESDAY:
Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several
annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the
classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For
sale -- R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone
948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY:
Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I
intentionally broke it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone
disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until
yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.
_______________________________________________________________
Fixing the BMW
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Blonde-Jokes/fixing-the-bmw.html; Category: Blonde Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:23)
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic, "It died."
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's
idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She says, "How often do I have to do that?"
_______________________________________________________________
Flash Reporter
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/News-Jokes/flash-reporter.html; Category: News Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:24)
Unclear on the Concept: Darrell Krumnow, 29, pleaded guilty in Waco,
Tex., in March to taking so-called "upskirt" photographs of a
19-year-old female clerk at Richland Mall.
Krumnow was done in because, unlike other upskirt photographers
who have figured out that they need to be discreet, Krumnow used a
flash, which caught everyone's attention.
_______________________________________________________________
Flea Collar
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Women-Jokes/flea-collar.html; Category: Women Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:29)
The woman at the supermarket checkout was
giving the clerk a hard time. As her audience in
the waiting line increased, she became more abusive.
Finally, the patient clerk came to a dog's flea collar.
The checker asked the customer if she was aware
that the package had been opened.
"Of course," the woman snapped. "I opened it.
You can't expect me to get it home and find out
it's the wrong size."
A voice from the line spoke for all of us:
"Wear it in good health."
_______________________________________________________________
Flies in the Pints
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Political-Jokes/flies-in-the-pints.html; Category: Political Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:31)
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub
together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as
they were about to enjoy their beverages, a fly landed in each of their
pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American
fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if
nothing happened.
The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over
the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
_______________________________________________________________
Flight Attendant Quotes
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Airplane-Jokes/flight-attendant-quotes.html; Category: Airplane Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:33)
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all
of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed
evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave
children or spouses."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal
tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other seat belt and if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like
to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time
you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US
Airways."
_______________________________________________________________
Floppy Inside
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Technology-Jokes/floppy-inside.html; Category: Technology Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:36)
Here are some conversations, from Microsoft's Help Desk, which
had actually taken place between customer support people and
their customers:
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to
print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel
inside."
_______________________________________________________________
Florida
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Travel-Jokes/florida.html; Category: Travel Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:38)
You know you are in FLORIDA during the summertime when:
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up
lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and
add butter, salt, and pepper it.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying h
hard-boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
_______________________________________________________________
Strange Person
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Kid-Jokes/strange-person.html; Category: Kid Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:40)
I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the
Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.
"How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who
looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes?
Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"
"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."
_______________________________________________________________
Florida Blessing
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Travel-Jokes/florida-blessing.html; Category: Travel Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 03 June 2009 13:44)
A Florida Blessing:
Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.
Please keep it cool in mid-July.
Bless the walls where termites dine,
while ants and roaches march in time.
Bless our yard where spiders pass
fire ant castles in the grass.
Bless the garage, a home to please
carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.
Bless the snakes, all running free,
hiding in bushes, grass or trees.
Bless the love bugs, two by two,
the gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.
Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,
in Florida, Lord, you've put them all!!
But this is home, and here we'll stay,
So thank you Lord, for insect spray.
_______________________________________________________________
Florida, Heaven, and Hell
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Religious-Jokes/florida-heaven-and-hell.html; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 03 June 2009 13:45)
A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get
his message across to his congregation: "It's so beautiful
here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them."
"And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't scare
them" responded a member of his church.
_______________________________________________________________
Flour and Snow
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Kid-Jokes/flour-and-snow.html; Category: Kid Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 03 June 2009 13:47)
This is many years ago now, but my son when he was 5 was wanting it to
snow so badly that he put flour down the heat vents and when I turned
on the heat the flour shot out of the vents creating a huge mess!
He exclaimed happily “ Oh its snowing I knew it would snow!"
_______________________________________________________________
Flowers
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Story-Jokes/flowers.html; Category: Story Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 03 June 2009 13:48)
The following is supposedly a true story....
A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One
day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He
told her he would send her a bouquet of roses...one for
each year of her life.
That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one
roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.
As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young
man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.
The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him!
_______________________________________________________________
Food Labels
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Food-Jokes/food-labels.html; Category: Food Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 03 June 2009 13:51)
The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific.
Products will now be labeled: no fat; low fat; reduced fat; and fat, but
great personality.
_______________________________________________________________
Food Leftovers
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Food-Jokes/food-leftovers.html; Category: Food Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 15:52)
Three wives were bemoaning their husbands' attitudes towards
leftovers. "It gets rough," one said. "My husband is a Movie
Producer and he calls them 'reruns'."
"You think you have it bad," was the reply. "Mine is a Quality
Control Engineer and he calls them 'rejects'!"
"That's nothing compared to me," said the third lady. "My husband is
a mortician. He calls them 'remains'!"
_______________________________________________________________
Forbidden on Aircraft
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Airplane-Jokes/forbidden-on-aircraft.html; Category: Airplane Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 15:56)
Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:
"I think everyone's asleep, lets go"
"This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first"
"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down"
"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on"
Sniff sniff
"Ah perfume - you think of everything"
"This is great....." (long sigh)
Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.
"This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We
know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline
regulations... Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the
smoke detector!"
_______________________________________________________________
Forgetful
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Health-Jokes/forgetful.html; Category: Health Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 15:59)
William's wife started noticing how forgetful he was
becoming. Being the concerned wife, she convinced
him to see a doctor. William was a little worried
when the doctor came in. Sensing his patient's
nervousness, the first thing the doctor did was to
ask what was troubling him.
"Well," William answered. "I seem to be getting forgetful.
I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or
whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or
what it is I'm going to do once I get there, if I get there.
So, I really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor thought for a moment, then answered
in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."
_______________________________________________________________
French Rifle
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Political-Jokes/french-rifle.html; Category: Political Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:05)
A sale of French rifles was going on. People soon found they had never been fired and only
dropped once!
_______________________________________________________________
French's Mustard
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Political-Jokes/frenchs-mustard.html; Category: Political Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:13)
Statement from French's Mustard
The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent
statement: "We at the French's Company wish to put an end
to statements that our product is manufactured in France.
There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship,
between our mustard and the country of France.
Indeed, our mustard in manufactured in Rochester, NY. The
only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow".
_______________________________________________________________
French Tanks
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Political-Jokes/french-tanks.html; Category: Political Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:18)
Why do French tanks have rear-view mirrors? To see the battle.
French tanks have 5 gears. 4 reverse and one forward, in case
they get hit from behind.
_______________________________________________________________
Freudian Slip
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Religious-Jokes/freudian-slip.html; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:20)
One day, there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look, and
another priest saw him and wondered what was wrong. The second priest thought he
should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was
wrong.
“Well,” the first priest said, “have you ever heard of a Freudian slip?”
“No,” said the other.
“Well,” said the first, “it's when one slips and says something one is thinking
usually
when it is the least opportune time.”
“Oh,” said the third, “so, what happened?”
“Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say ‘I now
pronounce you man and wife’?” asked the first.
“Yes?” said the second.
“Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was, ‘I now sentence
you to
death.’”
_______________________________________________________________
Fridge Rabbit
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Stupid-Jokes/fridge-rabbit.html; Category: Stupid Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:24)
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one
of the shelves.
"What are you doing in there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?",
to which the lady replied
"Yes."
"Well,"
the rabbit said, "I'm westing."
_______________________________________________________________
Fried Eggs
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Gender-Jokes/fried-eggs.html; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:28)
A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're
cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We
need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter?
They're going to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful!
You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry
up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt
them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use
the salt! The salt!"
The wife stared at him and asked, "What the heck is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels
like when I'm driving with you in the car."
_______________________________________________________________
Friendly Bear
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Military-Jokes/friendly-bear.html; Category: Military Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:31)
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command
radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when
breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, “Are there any
friendly bears listening?”
After a moment, another voice replied, “Yes, I'm a friendly bear,” and
then another voice, “I'm a friendly bear too!”
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a
blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on a radio link.
When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds.
Then a small voice said, “You're not a very friendly bear, are you?”
_______________________________________________________________
Friends or Enemies
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Bad-Jokes/friends-or-enemies.html; Category: Bad Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:38)
The Iraqui General had grown increasingly anxious over rumors of an
impending air strike by the Americans from neighboring Saudi Arabia.
"Ahkmed," he ordered his aide-de-camp, "I want you to climb that
mountain and report any signs of American military activity."
"Yes, General," replied Ahkmed. He trudged up the mountain, and as
soon as he crossed the ridge he saw a squadron of planes heading
their way. "There are many planes coming, General," he promptly
radioed back.
"Friends or enemies?" the General demanded urgently.
Ahkmed again lifted his binoculars to the sky. "They're flying very
closely together, General," he replied. "I think they must be
friends."
_______________________________________________________________
Frog and the Psychic
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Stupid-Jokes/frog-and-the-psychic.html; Category: Stupid Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:41)
A lonely frog, desperate for some form of company telephoned the Psychic
Hotline to find out what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful
young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at
work, at a party?"
"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."
_______________________________________________________________
Frozen Turkeys
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Food-Jokes/frozen-turkeys.html; Category: Food Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:44)
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at
the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough
for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
_______________________________________________________________
Half Full or Half Empty
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Age-Jokes/half-full-or-half-empty.html; Category: Age Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:48)
A friend of mine was a philosophy major during his first semester in
college. One day in a seminar class, they spent a great deal of time
debating whether the glass was half full or half empty.
After the class, my friend was feeling pretty good about himself and
what he was learning at university, so when he went home, he tried to
continue the discussion with his family. With maximum drama, he took a
12 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then
took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table.
He proudly asked his family, "Can anyone tell me whether this glass is
half full or half empty."
Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, "Depends if you're
drinking or pouring."
_______________________________________________________________
Funeral Service
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/People-Jokes/funeral-service.html; Category: People Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:51)
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just
passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers
are carrying the casket out when they accidentally
bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that
the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years,
and then finally dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end
of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the
casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,
"Watch the wall!"
_______________________________________________________________
Funeral Song
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Bad-Jokes/funeral-song.html; Category: Bad Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:59)
A local funeral home gives families the chance to chose the
music CD they would like to enter the service to.
One family asked to enter to Elvis Presley's hit, "Love me Tender."
Well the day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready
for the family to walk in to the service.
Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player,
and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."
_______________________________________________________________
Fun Wife
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Women-Jokes/fun-wife.html; Category: Women Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 18:25)
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check
on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted
more than a written report; he wanted video of his
wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video.
They sat down together to watch it. Although the
quality was less than professional, the man saw his
wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them
laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves
at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit
nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in
a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband
said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right
up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife
could be so much fun!"
_______________________________________________________________
Furnace Filter
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Men-Jokes/furnace-filter.html; Category: Men Jokes (by RadJokes, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 18:30)
A seventy-five year old guy, his hair is completely white, marries
a twenty-two year old girl, and she gets pregnant.
Nine months later, he walks into the Maternity Ward. He says to
the nurse, "Well, how'd I do?"
The nurse says, "She had twins."
He says, "Heh, heh, heh...well, I guess that goes to show, that
even if there's snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the
furnace."
She says, "Well, then you'd better change filters. Both of the
babies are black."
_______________________________________________________________
Future and Past
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Quotes-Stories-and-Stuff/future-and-past.html; Category: Quotes Stories and Stuff (by RadJokes, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 18:33)
"We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can
only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in
the future to wreak revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in
the past."
_______________________________________________________________
Gambling Drunk
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Political-Jokes/gambling-drunk.html; Category: Political Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 18:36)
--From the Tonight Show:
Q: What's the difference between Las Vegas and Washington D.C.?
A: In Las Vegas, the drunks gamble with *their* money.
_______________________________________________________________
Athelete or Nurse
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Work-Jokes/athelete-or-nurse.html; Category: Work Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 18:39)
The famous female Olympic skier Picabo Street (Peek-A-Boo) is not just an
athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit
of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply
too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, .... "Picabo,
ICU. "
_______________________________________________________________
Garage Sale
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Story-Jokes/garage-sale.html; Category: Story Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 18:43)
I was getting ready for a garage sale one summer day. Since
it was so hot and humid out, I decided to stay inside my
air-conditioned house and mark the special stickers I had
bought for the sale.
I would stick several of them on my blouse, run outside,
stick them on the appropriate items and rush back inside.
I did this until every item was labeled.
Later that day a UPS man came by the house with a delivery.
I noticed that as I was signing for the package, he was
looking at me strangely.
It was only after he left that I noticed there was one sticker
still attached to the front of my blouse. It read "Make me an
offer."
_______________________________________________________________
Geezer Qualifying Exam
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Quotes-Stories-and-Stuff/geezer-qualifying-exam.html; Category: Quotes Stories and Stuff (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 18:48)
Geezer Qualifying Exam
1. In the 1940's, where were automobile headlight
dimmer switches located?
a. On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn
2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had
holes in it. For what was it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt shaker
3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in
northern winters?
a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by d...
Read more...
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Quotes-Stories-and-Stuff/geezer-qualifying-exam.html
_______________________________________________________________
Advice about Men
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Gender-Jokes/advice-about-men.html; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 18:52)
1. Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them
all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces, so that you can
tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to
make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him Jokes,
it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal...
_______________________________________________________________
Genie
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Men-Jokes/genie.html; Category: Men Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 18:57)
There was a German, Swedish and a Polish guy stranded on a
Island. They find a genie bottle in the water, they rub it and a genie
pops out.
The genie says since there is three of you, each one gets
one wish, so he starts with the German guy and asks him what he
wishes, he says, "I miss my wife and family very much so I would
like to be back home." Poof!, the German guy is gone.
Then the
genie asked the Swedish guy what his wish will be and he says, "I
also miss my wife and family very much I would like to go home
too. Poof!, the Swedish guy is gone.
Then the genie asked the Polish
guy what his wish will be and he says, "You know I miss the other
two guys very much I wish they would come back.
Poof! The German and Swedish guys came back.
_______________________________________________________________
Get a New Car
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Age-Jokes/get-a-new-car.html; Category: Age Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 19:02)
YOU KNOW YOU NEED A NEW CAR WHEN....
You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to
get the duct tape replaced.
You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get
accused of stealing.
The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risks"
You return to your car and find someone broke in and left
a hundred dollars and a new stereo.
You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops
behind you.
_______________________________________________________________
Get Reorganized
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Work-Jokes/get-reorganized.html; Category: Work Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 19:04)
The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney
transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen
transplant, a pancreas trans. . ."
"What makes you think you need all these?"
Well, replied the patient, "My boss said if I wanted to keep my
job I needed to get reorganized."
_______________________________________________________________
Getting Married
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Gender-Jokes/getting-married.html; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 19:06)
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
_______________________________________________________________
Ghost Car
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Driving-Jokes/ghost-car.html; Category: Driving Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 23:13)
A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the
middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was
so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a
car come towards him and stop.
The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to
realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly forward.
The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he
started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when
just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved
the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every
time before a curve.
The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town.
Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila,
and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and
wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same cantina, and one
said to the other. "Look Pete, that's the idiot who climbed into the car
while we were pushing."
_______________________________________________________________
Gifts for Sons
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Sports-Jokes/gifts-for-sons.html; Category: Sports Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 23:14)
A man inherited a little over $1 billion dollars. He had three sons.
He told his sons that since he now had all this money, he would like
to know, what each of them would like to have. He stressed that MONEY
was no object.
His first son said that he had always wanted a Jaguar. The father
went out, and since money was no object, bought him 7 Jaguars in
different colors, so that he would have a different one to drive
every day of the week.
His second son said that he always wanted a motorcycle. So the father
went out, and again since money was no object, bought him 30 new
motorcycles, 10 dirt bikes, 10 hogs, and 10 touring bikes, so he
would have a different bike to ride every day of the month.
His third and youngest son was only 8 years old. So the little guy
said that he simply had wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit. So, money being
no object, his father went out and bought his son the Chicago Bears.
_______________________________________________________________
Give 100%
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Work-Jokes/give-100.html; Category: Work Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 23:16)
ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK.....
* 12% Monday
* 23% Tuesday
* 40% Wednesday
* 20% Thursday
* 5% Friday
_______________________________________________________________
Give Me Money
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Political-Jokes/give-me-money.html; Category: Political Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 23:18)
One Day The President was out jogging without his guards.
All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind
some bushes with a gun.
The masked man said "Give me all your money!"
Unwilling to do so, the President said, "You can't do this,
I'm the President!" The man then replied,...
"Oh, never mind then. Give me MY money!"
_______________________________________________________________
Globilization
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Political-Jokes/globilization.html; Category: Political Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 23:19)
Bubba, Billy Bob, Waylon and Cletis were having a quite quiet beer in
a bar one day.
They got to talking about modern words.
Cletis asked, "what in tarnation is globalization?"
Waylon replied "Princess Diana's death."
The others were perplexed, so Bubba asked, "how come?"
Waylon replied, "an English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was high on Australian beer, Scottish whiskey
and Burmese dope, followed closely by Spanish Paparazzi on Italian
motorcycles with Japanese cameras, treated by an American doctor
using Swiss drugs based on Brazilian medicines, and medical
technology using Bill Gates' software that he stole from the
Taiwanese with hardware based on IBM clones that use Philippine-made
chips and Malaysian made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries made in Korea and driven
by Indians, shipped by Vietnamese crew of ships built in Northern
Ireland owned by Greeks registered in Panama, hijacked by Indonesian
pirates with guns made in Israel, smuggled by Africans and finally
sold by an Arab salesman working through a Hong Kong front!"
The guys all looked stunned.
Waylon smirked and said, "Now that's globalization!"
_______________________________________________________________
God At Our Church
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Religious-Jokes/god-at-our-church.html; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 12 June 2009 03:29)
One Sunday morning an old biker entered
a church just before services were to begin.
Although the old man and his clothes were
spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt
and boots that were very worn and ragged.
In his hand he carried a worn out old leather
jacket and an equally worn out bible.
The church he entered was in a very upscale
and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest
and most beautiful church the old biker had ever
seen.
The people of the congregation were all dressed
with expensive clothes and accessories. As the
biker took a seat, the others moved away from him.
No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him.
They were all appalled at his appearance and
did not attempt to hide it.
The preacher gave a long sermon about Hellfire and
brimstone and a stern lecture on how much money
the church needed to do God's work. As the old biker
was leaving the church, the preacher approached
him and asked the biker to do him a favor. "Before
you come back in here again, have a talk with God
and ask him what He thinks would be appropriate
attire for worship."
The old biker assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services
wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and
leather jacket.
Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.
The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought
I asked you to speak to God before you came back to
our church."
"I did," replied the old biker. "
"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper
attire should be for worshipping in here?" asked the preacher.
"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what
I should wear. He says He's never been here before."
_______________________________________________________________
Fireworks
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Holiday-Jokes/fireworks.html; Category: Holiday Jokes (by RadJokes, published Monday, 15 June 2009 00:00)
Conversation Yesterday during a home fireworks display:
"Wow, that flasher sure was bright!"
"Yeah, it was too bright!"
"It was really annoying! I couldn't even look at it!"
(Silence for a couple of seconds....)
"Hey, let's light ten of them at once!!"
_______________________________________________________________
Gold Urinal
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Political-Jokes/gold-urinal.html; Category: Political Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 30 June 2009 13:55)
George W. Bush was invited to a high level meeting
at the White House.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked
Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
He was astonished to see that the President had a
solid gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about
the urinal. "Just think," he said," when I am
President, I'll get to have a gold urinal!"
The next day, when Laura had lunch with Hillary, she
told Hillary how impressed George had been with his
discovery of the fact that, in the President's
private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready
for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found
out who peed in your saxophone."
_______________________________________________________________
God Created Eve
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Religious-Jokes/god-created-eve.html; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 08 July 2009 13:48)
Top 10 Reasons Why God Created Eve
10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because
he wouldn't ask for directions.
9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV
remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to
see what's ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)
8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.
7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a
new one for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would
never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.
4. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his
tools.
3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for
anything else that was really his fault.
2. As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."
1. And the No. 1 reason of all... God stepped back, looked at Adam,
and declared: "I can do better than that."
_______________________________________________________________
Godfather and Lawyer
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Lawyer-Jokes/godfather-and-lawyer.html; Category: Lawyer Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 08 July 2009 13:50)
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: You get an offer you cannot understand.
_______________________________________________________________
God Will Help Me
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Religious-Jokes/god-will-help-me.html; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 08 July 2009 13:51)
There was a priest who was drowning in the ocean. He called out
to God for help.
All of a sudden, a canoe came and the guy said "Father, let me
help you".
The priest replied "No, no my son. The Lord will save me."
The canoe leaves and the father calls out to God again. All of a
sudden, a yacht showed up.
The captain said "Father, let me help you".
The priest again replied "No my son, the Lord will save me".
The yacht leaves and the father is calling out to God again.
All of a sudden, a big cruise ship showed up.
The captain said with a megaphone "Father, let us help you".
The priest again replied "No my son, the Lord will save me."
The priest drowns and he's in heaven face to face with God.
He says "My Lord, I called out to you but you didn't help me. Why?"
God replied: "I did help you. I sent you three ships".
_______________________________________________________________
Golf Bet
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Sports-Jokes/golf-bet.html; Category: Sports Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 08 July 2009 13:54)
Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a
slick 45-foot, downhill putt. As he lined it up, he announced,
"I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does
anyone want to bet?"
His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather
missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to
collect their money. Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which
he had written, "I can make this putt."
His pals are still trying to collect on the bet and
my grandfather is too.
_______________________________________________________________
Golf Bet II
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Sports-Jokes/golf-bet-ii.html; Category: Sports Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 08 July 2009 13:56)
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second
fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he
usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy play along.
Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say,
we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet
but agrees to the terms.
Well, the second guy wins the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As
they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00,
he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick
on suckers.
The first fellow then reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local
Catholic Church. The pro gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to
give the Priest back his money.
The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet
with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll
marry them for you."
_______________________________________________________________
Golf Camel
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Sports-Jokes/golf-camel.html; Category: Sports Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 08 July 2009 13:57)
Three golfers had a big golf game with a client in Arizona.
They were running late and as luck would have it their car broke
down.
They found a repair garage nearby, but the mechanic told them it
would take four hours to fix their car, which would leave them late
for the game.
"But", he told them, "You're in luck. I have a camel that the three
of you can ride over to the golf course. This camel is smart. He can
read stoplights - he'll stop and go just as the light directs.
So, the three of them pile on the camel, golf clubs and all and took
off.
An hour later, the mechanic saw the three of them standing a couple
of miles down the road and the camel was not in sight.
"What in the world happened and where's my camel?"
"Well, we had stopped at that light and a car pulled up along side of
us. The guy in the car stuck his head out the window and said, 'Look
at the three nuts on that camel!' When we got off to look, the beast
took off when the light turned green."
_______________________________________________________________
Golf Laws
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Sports-Jokes/golf-laws.html; Category: Sports Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 10 July 2009 13:50)
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come.
This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural
tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and
eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by
your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the
number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be
proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf
ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does,
the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing
partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the
universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems
himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to
humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works
against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from
the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than
anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will
consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted
murderer and an IRS agent ...or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly,
"tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one,
sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one
who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your
score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the
sunset of the same day.
_______________________________________________________________
Golf Tournament
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Religious-Jokes/golf-tournament.html; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 10 July 2009 13:56)
Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Nation of Israel
for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years,
Ehud Barak, the leader of Israel, sent back a message to the
College of Cardinals. The proposal was for a friendly game of
golf to be played between the two leaders or their representatives
to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the
Catholic and Jewish faiths. The Pope met with his College of
Cardinals to discuss the proposal.
"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Barak wants to
challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable
to compete I am afraid that this would tarnish our image to the world."
The Pope thought about this and as he had never held a golf club
in his life asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"
"None that plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he
added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who
is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask
him to play Mr.Barak as your personal representative. In addition to
showing our spirit of co-operation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a great idea. The call was made. Of course,
Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play as a representative of the
Pope.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform
the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news,
Your Holiness," said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've
played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the
best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above.
My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful,
and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly
miraculous."
"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed, "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."
_______________________________________________________________
Golf With God
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Sports-Jokes/golf-with-god.html; Category: Sports Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 10 July 2009 13:58)
Moses, Jesus, and an older, bearded man were out
playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee
and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway
but rolled directly toward a water hazard.
Quickly, Moses raised his club, the water parted
and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice
long one, directly toward the same water hazard.
It landed directly in the center of the pond and
kind of hovered over the water.
Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped
it up onto the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked
the ball. It headed out over the fence and into
oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced
off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there it
bounced onto the roof of a nearby shack and
rolled down into the gutter, down the down spout,
out onto the fairway, and right toward the afore-
mentioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hit a
little stone and bounced out over the water and
onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly.
Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the
lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth.
Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the
frog and flew away. As they passed over the green,
the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball,
which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful
hole-in-one.
Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate
playing with your Dad."
_______________________________________________________________
Good, Bad, Ugly
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Gender-Jokes/good-bad-ugly.html; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 10 July 2009 14:01)
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
_______________________________________________________________
Goodbye to Mother
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Animal-Jokes/goodbye-to-mother.html; Category: Animal Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 10 July 2009 14:03)
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up,
cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots
back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to
the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not
wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver
"He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -"Sorry I took so long"
he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her
with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
_______________________________________________________________
Good For Nothing
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Kid-Jokes/good-for-nothing.html; Category: Kid Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 14 July 2009 13:39)
As a distinguished matron approached the church entrance, a
little boy stepped aside and held the door for her.
"What a polite little doorman," she said as she walked
through. "Is there a tip involved?"
"Oh, no," answered the young man. "My mother taught me never
to be good for money, but always to be good for nothing."
_______________________________________________________________
Good Old Days
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Work-Jokes/good-old-days.html; Category: Work Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 14 July 2009 13:41)
A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained
about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days.
"Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think that they were old
enough to remember them."
_______________________________________________________________
Go To Church
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Religious-Jokes/go-to-church.html; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 14 July 2009 13:44)
Coming out of church, Mrs. Peterson asked her husband, "Do you
think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?"
"I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Peterson.
"And that dress Mrs. Hansen was wearing," continued Mrs. Peterson,
"Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper costume for a mother of two."
"I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Peterson.
"Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Peterson. "A lot of good it does
you to go to church."
_______________________________________________________________
Government Workers
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Work-Jokes/government-workers.html; Category: Work Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 14 July 2009 13:47)
A guy stopped at a local gas station and, after filling his tank, he
paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink
his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The
other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was
digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.
The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on
down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can
into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going
on here with all this digging and refilling?"
"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one
of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other
fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting
the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his
shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer
and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here
puts the dirt back. Elmer's job's been cut... so now it's just me an'
Leroy".
_______________________________________________________________
Grass Is Greener
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Quotes-Stories-and-Stuff/grass-is-greener.html; Category: Quotes Stories and Stuff (by Webcontrz, published Tuesday, 14 July 2009 13:50)
If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet that the water
bill is higher.
_______________________________________________________________
Greatest Hitter
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Kid-Jokes/greatest-hitter.html; Category: Kid Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 14 July 2009 13:51)
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted
through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting
a ball and bat:
"I'm the greatest batter in the world," he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
"Strike One!" he yelled.
Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the
greatest hitter in the world!"
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he
swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball
carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together.
He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the
greatest batter in the world!"
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it.
He missed. "Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world, too!"
_______________________________________________________________
Engineer's Christmas Report
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Holiday-Jokes/engineers-christmas-report.html; Category: Holiday Jokes (by RadJokes, published Monday, 26 October 2009 15:47)
There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa
doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish & Buddhist children, that
reduces the workload to 15% of the total -378 million according to Population
Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household,
that's 91.8 million homes.
One presumes that there's at least one good child in each. Santa has 31 hours of
Christmas to work with. This is due to the different time zones...
Read more...
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Holiday-Jokes/engineers-christmas-report.html
_______________________________________________________________
Fruitcake Recipie
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Holiday-Jokes/fruitcake-recipie.html; Category: Holiday Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 02 November 2009 00:00)
You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar,
four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking
soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice,
nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest
quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large
fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.
Turn off the mixerer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl
and chuck in the cup of dried fruit...
Read more...
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Holiday-Jokes/fruitcake-recipie.html
_______________________________________________________________
Government Night Before Christmas
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Holiday-Jokes/government-night-before-christmas.html; Category: Holiday Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 02 November 2009 00:00)
'Twas the Night Before Christmas
- Written by the Government
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual
Yuletide celebration, and throughout the place of residence, kinetic
activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential,
including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus (mouse).
Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood
burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure
regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among
whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual
hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically
through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our
nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the
hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the
grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt
compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose
of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this
fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without,
reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline
precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself
- thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a
miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive
specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur
so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he
was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power
traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than
patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath
musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by
his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. -
guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which
structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the
32 cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was
performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved -
with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke
passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony
residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on
the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed
largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in
a commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his
submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging
amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance
were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the
former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the
latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and
supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their
ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and
columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey
fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a
decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was
high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region
undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical
container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese,
jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me
visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By
rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head
slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was
groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned
articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously
dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he
executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral
juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a
gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by
renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself
in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of
air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of
burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable
chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I
overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his
vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the
planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest
wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period
between sunset and dawn."
_______________________________________________________________
Drop the Turkey
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Holiday-Jokes/drop-the-turkey.html; Category: Holiday Jokes (by RadJokes, published Monday, 30 November 2009 00:00)
Q. What disaster could happen if your dropped the
Christmas turkey?
A. The downfall of Turkey, the breakup of China, and the
over-throw of Greece.
_______________________________________________________________
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http://www.radjokes.com/Online-Games/Action-Games/lucky-boot.html; Category: Action Games (by RadJokes, published Wednesday, 20 May 2009 07:00)
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Bad Fortune
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Oddball-Pictures/bad-fortune.html; Category: Oddball Pictures (by Unknown, published Thursday, 21 May 2009 13:51)
_______________________________________________________________
Real Bag Ladies
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Animal-Pictures/real-bag-ladies.html; Category: Animal Pictures (by Unknown, published Thursday, 21 May 2009 13:54)
_______________________________________________________________
Doggie Bag
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Animal-Pictures/doggie-bag.html; Category: Animal Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 22 May 2009 05:47)
_______________________________________________________________
Ballot Confusion
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Political-Pictures/ballot-confusion.html; Category: Political Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 22 May 2009 05:54)
_______________________________________________________________
Beach Boy
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Oddball-Pictures/beach-boy.html; Category: Oddball Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 22 May 2009 06:01)
_______________________________________________________________
Bathroom Bear
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Animal-Pictures/bathroom-bear.html; Category: Animal Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 22 May 2009 06:04)
_______________________________________________________________
Ugly Person
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Stupid-Pictures/ugly-person.html; Category: Stupid Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 22 May 2009 06:08)
_______________________________________________________________
Fixed Myself Up
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Animal-Pictures/fixed-myself-up.html; Category: Animal Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 22 May 2009 06:11)
_______________________________________________________________
Beer Dog
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Animal-Pictures/beer-dog.html; Category: Animal Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 22 May 2009 06:14)
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Beetles Bite
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Driving-Pictures/beetles-bite.html; Category: Driving Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 22 May 2009 06:18)
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Follow Osama
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Political-Pictures/follow-osama.html; Category: Political Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 22 May 2009 06:20)
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Bent Leg
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Sports-Pictures/bent-leg.html; Category: Sports Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 22 May 2009 06:23)
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Best Friend
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Sign-Pictures/best-friend.html; Category: Sign Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 22 May 2009 06:24)
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Best Friends
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Animal-Pictures/best-friends.html; Category: Animal Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 22 May 2009 06:26)
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Bad Day II
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Animal-Pictures/bad-day-ii.html; Category: Animal Pictures (by Unknown, published Sunday, 24 May 2009 07:00)
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Humans and Computers
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Random-Pictures/humans-and-computers.html; Category: Random Pictures (by Unknown, published Sunday, 24 May 2009 07:00)
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E.R.
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Random-Pictures/er.html; Category: Random Pictures (by Unknown, published Sunday, 24 May 2009 07:00)
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Driving School Exam Answers
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Driving-Pictures/driving-school-exam-answers.html; Category: Driving Pictures (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 14:00)
The following are a few samples of REAL answers received on exams
given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school
(Most probably from people who failed the first four times)
Q. Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A. What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q. Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way
stop at the same time?
A. The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker
saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q. When driving through fog, what should you use?
A. Your car.
Q. What problems would you face if you were arrested for
drunk driving?
A. I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q. What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no
longer drive lawfully?
A. I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q. What is the difference between a flashing red traffic
light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A. The color.
Q. What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A. Carry loaded weapons.
Q. What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A. Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
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Embarrassed Honeymooner
http://www.radjokes.com/Funny-Pictures/Gender-Pictures/embarrassed-honeymooner.html; Category: Gender Pictures (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 15:26)
You may have heard about this new bride who was a bit
embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when
she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked
him if there was any way that they could make it
appear that they had been married a long time.
He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
_______________________________________________________________
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Carstianity
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Religious-Jokes/carstianity.html; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Sunday, 24 May 2009 07:00)
"Haul a Yugo. Haul a Yugo."
Gearly beloved, we are Blazered here in the name of our Four-door, who art in Half-ton.
I'm speaking of our lord and Mazda, Jeep-sus Chrysler.
He is the Alfa and the Romeo.
He was born in a Ranger, he was Tempo'd by the DeVille, and he Daihatsu'd for your
Sentras.
He said, "Dodge not, that ye not be Dodged.
Thou shalt not Corvette thy neighbor's Whitewall, but turn the other Cherokee.
If ye have Fiat, ye can move Montecarlos.
He ain't Chevy, he's my Beretta."
He ate the Last Supra, and he climbed the mount of Cavalier, where the...
Read more...
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Religious-Jokes/carstianity.html
_______________________________________________________________
Castro in Hell
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Political-Jokes/castro-in-hell.html; Category: Political Jokes (by Unknown, published Sunday, 24 May 2009 07:00)
Castro dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that
he is not on the list and that, no way, no how, does he belong in heaven.
Castro must go to hell. So Castro goes to hell, where Satan gives him a
hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home.
Then Castro notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who
says, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your
stuff."
When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St.
Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one
c...
Read more...
http://www.radjokes.com/Joke-Archives/Political-Jokes/castro-in-hell.html
_______________________________________________________________
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The group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals wants the flyswatter in chief to try taking a more humane attitude the next time he's bedeviled by a fly in the White House. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals wants the flyswatter in chief to try taking a more humane attitude the next time he's bedeviled by a fly in the White House.
Point #2: The high deficit, out of control spending, and takeover of businesses was OK. But swatting the fly shows President Obama isn't perfect? These folks are focusing on the wrong things....
To subscribe to the RadJokes.com Newsletters, visit: Radjokes.com.
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and go to "Radjokes.com Newsletters" near the top of the page
And, always remember that we don't give away or sell your e-mail addresses. Remember...we hate SPAM, too!
Driving; Category: Cute Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 13:46)
Johnny had just received his brand new drivers license. The family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the new driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the boy.
"Nope, I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
Driving Blessing; Category: Age Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 13:48)
At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee", said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled", volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old", winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."
Driving Blonde; Category: Blonde Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 13:51) A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".
After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "Oh, well !" and turned around an drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
Driving Permit; Category: Kid Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 13:53) A young boy had just received his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."
To which his father replied... "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"
Driving Pope; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 13:55) After getting all Pope John-Paul II's luggage loaded in the limo (and His Holiness doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that; he's really important," said the cop.
"All the more reason."
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"
"Bigger."
"Governor?"
"Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
"I think it's God!"
"What makes you think it's God?"
"He's got the Pope driving for him!"
Driving Quiz; Category: Driving Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 13:57) You are sitting behind the wheel in a car keeping a constant speed, on you left side there is an abyss.
On your right side you have a fire engine and it keeps the same speed as you.
In front of you runs a pig, larger than your car.
A helicopter is following you, at ground level.
Both the helicopter and the pig are keeping the same speed as you.
What will you need to do to be able to stop?
Answer:
Get out of the car, step down from the merry-go-round
Driving Rules; Category: Driving Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 13:58) 1. When using a metered entrance ramp, vehicles in the carpool lane do not need to stop. Similarly, vehicles NOT in the diamond lane also do not need to stop.
2. If, at any time, you have witnessed a green light, it is okay to proceed through the intersection, regardless of the current color of the light.
3. The shoulder becomes a lane if you are driving a Porsche.
4. If you paid more than $60,000 for your car, you automatically have the right of way, regardless of the situation. This is especially applicable in parking lots.
5. Drive as quickly as possible through parking structures. Pass any open spot by at least four car lengths before backing up to claim it. Disregard the angry mob that has formed behind you.
6. Get to know your horn. Use it as often as possible.
7. While driving on the freeway and talking on your cell phone, alternate between 45 and 100 MPH. This is especially effective if driving in the fast lane.
8. Every lane is the suicide lane.
9. Always set the alarm to its most sensitive setting before leaving your car in a parking ramp.
10. During rush hour, drivers should pass the time by reading Deepak Chopra or L. Ron Hubbard, and practice inner peace when cut off by a Mercedes.
11. If you miss your exit, no worries. Just cut across six lanes of traffic and drive over the divider. If you really weren?t supposed to cross it, they would make it out of concrete instead of icicle plants.
12. For parking purposes, all SUV?s are compact cars. Honest.
13. To calculate the proper speed limit on the freeway, subtract your age from 100. Double this number if your car has dual exhaust. Conversely, add your age to 100 if you are driving on the U.S. 101 or suffering from a midlife crisis.
14. If you hear sirens, DO NOT pull over. Slow down exactly where you are and start looking for carnage.
15. If a cop attempts to pull you over, give chase. You won?t get away, but it's guaranteed you?ll make live TV. Towards the end of the chase, be sure to throw random items out of your window. It will give the reporters something to talk about on the 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, and 11 o? clock news.
16. Never use your turn signal, unless of course you are on the freeway with no intention of merging.
17. Totally disregard on-coming traffic.
18. If there are already three cars stopped at a four way stop, accelerate immediately. Otherwise, one of those cars might go ahead of you!
19. Rush hour at the 101/405 interchange is from 5 AM to 11 PM, except around holidays that create airport traffic, when hours are extended to 3 AM.
20. Never Carpool.
21. Take full advantage of your right to u-turn. Laugh aloud at people from other states who turn around in driveways.
22. In case of rain, immediately pull over. You can not drive in any sort of precipitation.
23. While driving uphill, do not down shift. While driving downhill, ride your brakes.
24. When parking on a hill, turn your wheels out, set the emergency brake, remove radio face, enable the alarm, and put The Club? on your steering wheel.
25. On narrow canyon roads, feel free to use the center divider as a passing lane.
Driving School Exam Answers; Category: Driving Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 14:00) The following are a few samples of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (Most probably from people who failed the first four times)
Q. Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A. What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q. Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A. The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q. When driving through fog, what should you use? A. Your car.
Q. What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A. I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q. What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A. I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q. What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A. The color.
Q. What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A. Carry loaded weapons.
Q. What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A. Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Driving Teacher; Category: Driving Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 14:03) Larry and Moe were driving their pickup truck around Florida. When they got to the traffic light, Larry drove right through the red light.
Moe cried, "Larry, what the heck are you doing?"
Larry kept driving and replied, "Don't worry, my brother taught me to drive".
When they got to the next light, Larry drove through another red light.
Moe asked, "Why do you keep running red lights?".
Larry said, "Don't worry, my brother taught me to drive."
When they got to the third light, Larry slammed on the brakes and screeched to a halt at a green light.
Moe asked, "Larry, why would you drive through red lights but stop at green lights!?"
Larry replied:
"My brother might be coming the other way!"
Drunk; Category: Police Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 14:06) Officer: "Good evening sir. We're testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?".
Man: "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air".
Officer: "Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test".
Man: "I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death".
Officer: "Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line".
Man: "Can't do that either".
Officer: "Why not?".
Man: "Because I'm dead drunk."
Drunk Pilots; Category: Airplane Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 14:07) Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After awhile, just drinking gets boring, so the first guy looks at the second guy and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?"
The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"
So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to land. The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to land, and he sees an airstrip close by. He says his new buddy along for the ride, "Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as any."
So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back up. "Nuts!" he says, "That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to land on it?" But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result.
Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right, I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it we're just going to crash and hope we don't die." So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither is hurt.
When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is swears and gesticulates wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron! No one could land on anything that short!"
The second guy looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it is!"
But Dust; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 14:10) A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer.
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
"Without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued but at that moment a very obedient daughter (who was listening intently for a change) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"
Dying Family; Category: Blonde Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 14:11)
A Blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The Blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The Blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the Blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the Blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the Blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No," replies the Blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"
Efficiency Expert; Category: People Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 15:15) An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. " She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
Elephant Question; Category: Stupid Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 15:18) Q) Why is an elephant big, gray, and wrinkly?
A) Because, if it was small, white and smooth would be an Aspirin.
Elevator Problem; Category: Stupid Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 15:19) I was alone in the elevator when a voice came on the intercom and asked if any lights on the control panel were lit. The elevator's computer was having problems, the voice explained. As I was replying, a man stepped in and I could see from the expression on his face that he thought I was talking to myself. I told him that I was speaking to the intercom, but, to my dismay, the device remained silent.
"Come on," I pleaded into the speaker. "This guy thinks I'm crazy." No response. We reached the man's floor and he exited. But just as the door closed, a hearty laugh came over the intercom.
"Did he get off?" the voice asked. "I'm sorry, but I just couldn't resist!"
Employed by a School; Category: Education Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 15:34) YOU MIGHT BE EMPLOYED BY A SCHOOL IF.....
1. You believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick.
2. You want to slug the next person who says, "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
3. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
4. You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
5. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
6. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
7. You have no social life between August and June.
8. Marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much easier.
9. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
10. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
11. You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge".
12. You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.
13. You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.
14. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
15. You know you are in for a major project when a parent says, "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."
16. Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"
End of the World; Category: Story Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 15:35) Meteorological experts predicted a massive flood that would destroy the world.
The Pope went on worldwide TV and said,
"This is punishment from God. Prepare to meet your maker."
The president went on TV and announced,
"Our scientists have done all they can. The end is near."
The mayor of Seattle came on and said,
"Due to inclement weather, this year's Seafair Parade will be moved to the top of Queen Anne Hill."
Enemies; Category: Stupid Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 15:38) A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.
"How are we faring?" asks the king.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on our behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."
"What?!?" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."
Engineer Jokes; Category: Work Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 15:41) Q: What is the definition of an engineer? A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.
Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer? A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.
Q: What do engineers use for birth control? A: Their personalities.
Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer? A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.
Q: Why did the engineers cross the road? A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane? A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.
Errand; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 15:54) It was a terrible night, blowing cold and snow in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little Jewish man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet, freezing, and bedraggled.
As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two poppy seed bagels to go, please?"
The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"
"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Sherry."
"Sherry is your wife?" asked the baker.
"What did you think," snapped the little man, "that my mother would send me out on a night like this?"
ESP; Category: Money Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 15:58) Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's checkbook, Mike made a deal with her; he would look at it, but only after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape.
The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, Cindy said proudly, "I've done it! I made it balance!"
Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. "Let's see... mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. "It says here ESP, $615. What the heck is that?"
"Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!"
Eternal Truths; Category: Quotes Stories and Stuff (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:00)
Eternal Truths
1. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
2. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
3. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
4. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
5. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
6. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
7. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
8. If the shoe fits ... buy it in every color.
9. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
10. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
11. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
12. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
13. Some days are a total waste of makeup.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
16. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
17. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
18. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
20. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Even Even More Definitions; Category: Lists (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:02) Willpower: The ability to eat only one salted peanut.
Experience: A comb life gives you after you lose your hair.
Vacation: A time when parents realize that teachers aren't paid enough.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Even More Bumper Stickers; Category: Lists (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:05) If you don't like the way I'm driving, YOU come get these handcuffs off!
If you are close enough to read this, I am close enough to slam on my brakes and sue you.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get.
Drive defensively - buy a tank.
Don't make me mad - I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Go on, I'll see you at the next traffic light.
I may be slow but I'm ahead of you!
Where are we going and what am I doing in this handbasket?
On the back of an old pickup: If this truck was a horse, I'd have to shoot it.
I brake for tailgaters. Hard.
If you can read this, you are in phaser range.
Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is.
FREE TIBET! (with the purchase of a 44 oz. drink).
My kid was Prisoner of the Month at Orange County Jail.
*Get in - buckle up - pipe down - and hold on!
Even More Definitions; Category: Lists (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:06) ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH: A female moth.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character.
Exercise Helps; Category: Health Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:08) It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
Express Line; Category: Work Jokes (by RadJokes, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:17) My friend, Mike, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front of the store (near the cash registers), when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run.
After a scuffle, Mike pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.
"Everything's fine, folks," he reassured them...
"This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than ten items."
Extra Mile; Category: Driving Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:38) Driving down the highway one day, I saw this slogan on the back of a very well-known trucking company's vehicle:
"We Always Go the Extra Mile."
Then I noticed another phrase scrawled in the dirt just below it:
"That's Because We Missed the Last Exit."
Extra Office Work; Category: Office Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:41)
The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary.
He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"
The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."
Eyes Light Up; Category: Blonde Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:42) How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in her ear!
Face Freeze; Category: Education Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:44) Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Bulb and Factory; Category: Blonde Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:45) Two factory workers were talking. "I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man."
"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.
He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing.
"I'm a light bulb" answered the guy."
"I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.
The blonde began walking out too. The boss asked her "Where do you think you're going?"
The blonde answered, "Home. I can't work in the dark".
Factory Workers; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 21:47)
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."
Facts of Life; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 18:57) Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter (or at least men think it means that). PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.
Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man- language.
Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
If it is not Valentine's Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'
Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.
All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys (which gets them in More trouble).
Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
Failed Pickup Lines; Category: Pickup Lines (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 18:59) Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Faith; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 19:01) A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient.
On the way back, they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a trucker approached.
Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas.
The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or can. One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it.
He said yes, and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved good-bye to the nuns and left.
The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by. The trooper stopped and watched for a while, then he approached the nuns and said:
"Sisters, I don't think what you're doing will work, but I sure have to say, I do admire your strong faith!"
Family Member; Category: Lawyer Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 19:03) A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected, a large crowd gathered. A lawyer anxious to get there first could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly,
"Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
Family Pants; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 19:06) Jack and Jill were getting married.
Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says, "I remember when your mom and I got married. I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on."
"I can't wear these," she said.
"Darn right," he said, "I wear the pants in this family, and you'd better remember that."
"I think I'll try that on Jill," Jack said.
He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.
"Put these on," he said.
Jill replied, "I can't wear these."
"Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you'd better remember that," he said.
Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.
"I can't get in to these," he said.
"Darn right," Jill said. "And if you don't change your attitude you never will!"
Family Stress Test; Category: Quotes Stories and Stuff (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 19:08)
FAMILY STRESS TEST Score: 0 if the statement is never true 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is sometimes true 3 if it is always true.
1. ____ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk". 2. ____ The school principal has your number on speed dial. 3. ____ The...
Farmer Math; Category: Quotes Stories and Stuff (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 19:12) A fifth generation farmer has determined that his son will be the first in their family to go to college. So he and the wife save every penny for years and when the big day comes for junior to leave for school, the old man is the proudest he's ever been.
After the first semester junior comes home for Christmas break and the old man sits him down for a talk. "Well, boy, you been at school for three months now, I want you to tell me some of that fancy book learnin'."
So junior says, "My favorite class is math, pa. Just last week we learned a new formula...Pi r squared."
At hearing this the old man screws up his eyes and smacks his forehead, "Dog gone-it! I spent all that money on schooling and all you can tell me is Pi r squared? Why everybody know pie are round...CORNBREAD are squared!"
Farting; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 19:14) A couple traveling cross country decided to stop for a cup of coffee in a local diner somewhere in Texas. While they were sitting at a booth near the counter sipping their coffee, a local cowboy stumbles in and heads for the closest stool at the counter. As he lifts his leg over the stool, he cuts one of the loudest farts ever heard by a human.
The tourist jumps up and yells, "Sir, how dare you fart before my wife!"
The cowboy stopped, tipped his hat politely and says,
"I'm awful sorry ma'am...I didn't know we was a takin' turns."
Farts; Category: Health Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 19:16) A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because they don't smell and are silent. The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what medicine you gave me, but now my gas..... although still silent... smells terrible."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Father-Son Chat; Category: People Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 19:18) A recently graduated man and woman were working to-gather in an office, where the young man was very much attracted to the girl and formed a crush. He extracted some preliminary information from the girl and knew which street the girl was living. But he did not know exact house number. He was not able to curb his desire to see her over weekend and thought of going to the girls' home and surprise her as 'I was in the neighborhood" excuse to meet her.
He saw a gentleman near her home. He asked him, "Could you please tell me where does Simran Chopra live around here?"
The gentleman inquired, "May I please know why you want to see her?"
The boy presented excuse, "Well, I have some important business with her. I am her brother."
The guy expressed amazement, "I see! But I insist you tell me what business you have with her, because I am her father."
Female Golf Terms; Category: Sports Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 27 May 2009 19:21) FEMALE GOLFING TERMS:
CADDY 2 women talking about a 3rd who isn't there to defend herself.
CHIPPING Time to get our nails done again.
DOUBLE BOGIE "Casablanca" followed by "African Queen."
FAIRWAY Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.
GOOD LIE Weight on our driver's license.
GREENS Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger.
HOLE-IN-ONE Time to get new pantyhose.
IRON What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.
ROUGH Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything.
SHAFT You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing.
TEES Putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee.
WATER HAZARD Giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip.
WEDGE Bathing suit that's too tight
Final Exam; Category: Redneck Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 28 May 2009 05:11)
Redneck School of Engineering - Final Exam
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A) '66 Ford Fairlane B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle C) '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to a void the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? *For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?
9. A Coal Mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?
Fine Wine; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 28 May 2009 05:14) Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."
First Day of School; Category: Education Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:03) A child came home from his first day at school.
His Mother asked: 'Well, what did you learn today?'
The kid replied: 'Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow.
Fishing; Category: Stupid Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:06) There is a guy who wants to go ice fishing, so he goes to the ice and cuts a hole in it.
He hears, "THERE ARE NO FISH IN HERE."
He leaves and goes to another spot on the ice.
He hears, "THERE ARE NO FISH IN HERE."
Baffled, the guy asks, "Is this God?"
The voice responds, "No, this is the skating rink owner!"
Fishing Blondes; Category: Blonde Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:07) Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.
"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden. "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.
"Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically.
"What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"
Fishing Trip; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:13) "So, what's the matter?" asked one woman of her friend over coffee. "I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband."
"Oh, everything went wrong," the second woman answered. "First, he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish. Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon.
"All that might have been all right; but then, to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"
Fist Fight; Category: Quotes Stories and Stuff (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:14) "Never get into fist fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose."
Fixing the Ad; Category: Headline Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:19) The following is an ad from a newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY:
For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY:
Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."
WEDNESDAY:
Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY:
Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.
Fixing the BMW; Category: Blonde Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:23) A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It died."
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She says, "How often do I have to do that?"
Flash Reporter; Category: News Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:24) Unclear on the Concept: Darrell Krumnow, 29, pleaded guilty in Waco, Tex., in March to taking so-called "upskirt" photographs of a 19-year-old female clerk at Richland Mall.
Krumnow was done in because, unlike other upskirt photographers who have figured out that they need to be discreet, Krumnow used a flash, which caught everyone's attention.
Flea Collar; Category: Women Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:29) The woman at the supermarket checkout was giving the clerk a hard time. As her audience in the waiting line increased, she became more abusive.
Finally, the patient clerk came to a dog's flea collar. The checker asked the customer if she was aware that the package had been opened. "Of course," the woman snapped. "I opened it. You can't expect me to get it home and find out it's the wrong size."
A voice from the line spoke for all of us: "Wear it in good health."
Flies in the Pints; Category: Political Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:31) One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, a fly landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened.
The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
Flight Attendant Quotes; Category: Airplane Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:33)
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
Floppy Inside; Category: Technology Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:36)
Here are some conversations, from Microsoft's Help Desk, which had actually taken place between customer support people and their customers:
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
Florida; Category: Travel Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:38) You know you are in FLORIDA during the summertime when:
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt, and pepper it.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying h hard-boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
Strange Person; Category: Kid Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 01 June 2009 05:40)
I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.
"How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"
"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."
Florida Blessing; Category: Travel Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 03 June 2009 13:44) A Florida Blessing:
Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry. Please keep it cool in mid-July. Bless the walls where termites dine, while ants and roaches march in time. Bless our yard where spiders pass fire ant castles in the grass. Bless the garage, a home to please carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.
Bless the snakes, all running free, hiding in bushes, grass or trees. Bless the love bugs, two by two, the gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you. Millions of creatures that fly or crawl, in Florida, Lord, you've put them all!! But this is home, and here we'll stay, So thank you Lord, for insect spray.
Florida, Heaven, and Hell; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 03 June 2009 13:45) A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his congregation: "It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them."
"And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't scare them" responded a member of his church.
Flour and Snow; Category: Kid Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 03 June 2009 13:47) This is many years ago now, but my son when he was 5 was wanting it to snow so badly that he put flour down the heat vents and when I turned on the heat the flour shot out of the vents creating a huge mess!
He exclaimed happily “ Oh its snowing I knew it would snow!"
Flowers; Category: Story Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 03 June 2009 13:48) The following is supposedly a true story....
A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses...one for each year of her life.
That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.
As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.
The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him!
Food Labels; Category: Food Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 03 June 2009 13:51) The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific. Products will now be labeled: no fat; low fat; reduced fat; and fat, but great personality.
Food Leftovers; Category: Food Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 15:52) Three wives were bemoaning their husbands' attitudes towards leftovers. "It gets rough," one said. "My husband is a Movie Producer and he calls them 'reruns'."
"You think you have it bad," was the reply. "Mine is a Quality Control Engineer and he calls them 'rejects'!"
"That's nothing compared to me," said the third lady. "My husband is a mortician. He calls them 'remains'!"
Forbidden on Aircraft; Category: Airplane Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 15:56) Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:
"I think everyone's asleep, lets go"
"This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first"
"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down"
"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on"
Sniff sniff
"Ah perfume - you think of everything"
"This is great....." (long sigh)
Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.
"This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations... Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!"
Forgetful; Category: Health Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 15:59) William's wife started noticing how forgetful he was becoming. Being the concerned wife, she convinced him to see a doctor. William was a little worried when the doctor came in. Sensing his patient's nervousness, the first thing the doctor did was to ask what was troubling him.
"Well," William answered. "I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there, if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor thought for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."
French Rifle; Category: Political Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:05) A sale of French rifles was going on. People soon found they had never been fired and only dropped once!
French's Mustard; Category: Political Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:13) Statement from French's Mustard
The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement: "We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard in manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow".
French Tanks; Category: Political Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:18)
Why do French tanks have rear-view mirrors? To see the battle.
French tanks have 5 gears. 4 reverse and one forward, in case they get hit from behind.
Freudian Slip; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:20) One day, there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look, and another priest saw him and wondered what was wrong. The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was wrong.
“Well,” the first priest said, “have you ever heard of a Freudian slip?”
“No,” said the other.
“Well,” said the first, “it's when one slips and says something one is thinking usually when it is the least opportune time.”
“Oh,” said the third, “so, what happened?”
“Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say ‘I now pronounce you man and wife’?” asked the first.
“Yes?” said the second.
“Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was, ‘I now sentence you to death.’”
Fridge Rabbit; Category: Stupid Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:24) A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.
"What are you doing in there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?",
to which the lady replied
"Yes."
"Well,"
the rabbit said, "I'm westing."
Fried Eggs; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:28) A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"
The wife stared at him and asked, "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."
Friendly Bear; Category: Military Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:31) On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, “Are there any friendly bears listening?”
After a moment, another voice replied, “Yes, I'm a friendly bear,” and then another voice, “I'm a friendly bear too!”
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on a radio link. When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds.
Then a small voice said, “You're not a very friendly bear, are you?”
Friends or Enemies; Category: Bad Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:38) The Iraqui General had grown increasingly anxious over rumors of an impending air strike by the Americans from neighboring Saudi Arabia. "Ahkmed," he ordered his aide-de-camp, "I want you to climb that mountain and report any signs of American military activity."
"Yes, General," replied Ahkmed. He trudged up the mountain, and as soon as he crossed the ridge he saw a squadron of planes heading their way. "There are many planes coming, General," he promptly radioed back.
"Friends or enemies?" the General demanded urgently.
Ahkmed again lifted his binoculars to the sky. "They're flying very closely together, General," he replied. "I think they must be friends."
Frog and the Psychic; Category: Stupid Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:41)
A lonely frog, desperate for some form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"
"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."
Frozen Turkeys; Category: Food Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:44) A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Half Full or Half Empty; Category: Age Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:48) A friend of mine was a philosophy major during his first semester in college. One day in a seminar class, they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty.
After the class, my friend was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home, he tried to continue the discussion with his family. With maximum drama, he took a 12 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table. He proudly asked his family, "Can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty."
Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, "Depends if you're drinking or pouring."
Funeral Service; Category: People Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:51) A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,
"Watch the wall!"
Funeral Song; Category: Bad Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 16:59) A local funeral home gives families the chance to chose the music CD they would like to enter the service to.
One family asked to enter to Elvis Presley's hit, "Love me Tender."
Well the day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service.
Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."
Fun Wife; Category: Women Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 18:25) A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"
Furnace Filter; Category: Men Jokes (by RadJokes, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 18:30) A seventy-five year old guy, his hair is completely white, marries a twenty-two year old girl, and she gets pregnant.
Nine months later, he walks into the Maternity Ward. He says to the nurse, "Well, how'd I do?"
The nurse says, "She had twins."
He says, "Heh, heh, heh...well, I guess that goes to show, that even if there's snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the furnace."
She says, "Well, then you'd better change filters. Both of the babies are black."
Future and Past; Category: Quotes Stories and Stuff (by RadJokes, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 18:33) "We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreak revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the past."
Gambling Drunk; Category: Political Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 18:36) --From the Tonight Show:
Q: What's the difference between Las Vegas and Washington D.C.?
A: In Las Vegas, the drunks gamble with *their* money.
Athelete or Nurse; Category: Work Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 18:39) The famous female Olympic skier Picabo Street (Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, .... "Picabo, ICU. "
Garage Sale; Category: Story Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 18:43) I was getting ready for a garage sale one summer day. Since it was so hot and humid out, I decided to stay inside my air-conditioned house and mark the special stickers I had bought for the sale.
I would stick several of them on my blouse, run outside, stick them on the appropriate items and rush back inside. I did this until every item was labeled.
Later that day a UPS man came by the house with a delivery. I noticed that as I was signing for the package, he was looking at me strangely.
It was only after he left that I noticed there was one sticker still attached to the front of my blouse. It read "Make me an offer."
Geezer Qualifying Exam; Category: Quotes Stories and Stuff (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 18:48)
Geezer Qualifying Exam
1. In the 1940's, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located? a. On the floor shift knob b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch c. Next to the horn
2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used? a. Capture lightning bugs b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing c. Large salt shaker
3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters? a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog...
Advice about Men; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 18:52) 1. Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him Jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal...
Genie; Category: Men Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 18:57) There was a German, Swedish and a Polish guy stranded on a Island. They find a genie bottle in the water, they rub it and a genie pops out.
The genie says since there is three of you, each one gets one wish, so he starts with the German guy and asks him what he wishes, he says, "I miss my wife and family very much so I would like to be back home." Poof!, the German guy is gone.
Then the genie asked the Swedish guy what his wish will be and he says, "I also miss my wife and family very much I would like to go home too. Poof!, the Swedish guy is gone.
Then the genie asked the Polish guy what his wish will be and he says, "You know I miss the other two guys very much I wish they would come back.
Poof! The German and Swedish guys came back.
Get a New Car; Category: Age Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 19:02)
YOU KNOW YOU NEED A NEW CAR WHEN....
You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced.
You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of stealing.
The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risks"
You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a hundred dollars and a new stereo.
You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you.
Get Reorganized; Category: Work Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 19:04) The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans. . ."
"What makes you think you need all these?"
Well, replied the patient, "My boss said if I wanted to keep my job I needed to get reorganized."
Getting Married; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 19:06) I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Ghost Car; Category: Driving Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 23:13) A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop.
The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly forward. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.
The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same cantina, and one said to the other. "Look Pete, that's the idiot who climbed into the car while we were pushing."
Gifts for Sons; Category: Sports Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 23:14) A man inherited a little over $1 billion dollars. He had three sons.
He told his sons that since he now had all this money, he would like to know, what each of them would like to have. He stressed that MONEY was no object.
His first son said that he had always wanted a Jaguar. The father went out, and since money was no object, bought him 7 Jaguars in different colors, so that he would have a different one to drive every day of the week.
His second son said that he always wanted a motorcycle. So the father went out, and again since money was no object, bought him 30 new motorcycles, 10 dirt bikes, 10 hogs, and 10 touring bikes, so he would have a different bike to ride every day of the month.
His third and youngest son was only 8 years old. So the little guy said that he simply had wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit. So, money being no object, his father went out and bought his son the Chicago Bears.
Give 100%; Category: Work Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 23:16)
Give Me Money; Category: Political Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 23:18) One Day The President was out jogging without his guards.
All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind some bushes with a gun.
The masked man said "Give me all your money!"
Unwilling to do so, the President said, "You can't do this, I'm the President!" The man then replied,...
"Oh, never mind then. Give me MY money!"
Globilization; Category: Political Jokes (by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 June 2009 23:19) Bubba, Billy Bob, Waylon and Cletis were having a quite quiet beer in a bar one day.
They got to talking about modern words.
Cletis asked, "what in tarnation is globalization?"
Waylon replied "Princess Diana's death."
The others were perplexed, so Bubba asked, "how come?"
Waylon replied, "an English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was high on Australian beer, Scottish whiskey and Burmese dope, followed closely by Spanish Paparazzi on Italian motorcycles with Japanese cameras, treated by an American doctor using Swiss drugs based on Brazilian medicines, and medical technology using Bill Gates' software that he stole from the Taiwanese with hardware based on IBM clones that use Philippine-made chips and Malaysian made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries made in Korea and driven by Indians, shipped by Vietnamese crew of ships built in Northern Ireland owned by Greeks registered in Panama, hijacked by Indonesian pirates with guns made in Israel, smuggled by Africans and finally sold by an Arab salesman working through a Hong Kong front!"
The guys all looked stunned.
Waylon smirked and said, "Now that's globalization!"
God At Our Church; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 12 June 2009 03:29) One Sunday morning an old biker entered a church just before services were to begin.
Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old leather jacket and an equally worn out bible.
The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old biker had ever seen.
The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories. As the biker took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.
The preacher gave a long sermon about Hellfire and brimstone and a stern lecture on how much money the church needed to do God's work. As the old biker was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the biker to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what He thinks would be appropriate attire for worship."
The old biker assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and leather jacket.
Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.
The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."
"I did," replied the old biker. "
"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshipping in here?" asked the preacher.
"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He says He's never been here before."
Fireworks; Category: Holiday Jokes (by RadJokes, published Monday, 15 June 2009 00:00) Conversation Yesterday during a home fireworks display:
"Wow, that flasher sure was bright!"
"Yeah, it was too bright!"
"It was really annoying! I couldn't even look at it!"
(Silence for a couple of seconds....)
"Hey, let's light ten of them at once!!"
Gold Urinal; Category: Political Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 30 June 2009 13:55) George W. Bush was invited to a high level meeting at the White House.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked
Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said," when I am President, I'll get to have a gold urinal!"
The next day, when Laura had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone."
God Created Eve; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 08 July 2009 13:48) Top 10 Reasons Why God Created Eve
10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he wouldn't ask for directions.
9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what's ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)
8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.
7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.
4. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools.
3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything else that was really his fault.
2. As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."
1. And the No. 1 reason of all... God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared: "I can do better than that."
Godfather and Lawyer; Category: Lawyer Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 08 July 2009 13:50) Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: You get an offer you cannot understand.
God Will Help Me; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 08 July 2009 13:51) There was a priest who was drowning in the ocean. He called out to God for help.
All of a sudden, a canoe came and the guy said "Father, let me help you".
The priest replied "No, no my son. The Lord will save me."
The canoe leaves and the father calls out to God again. All of a sudden, a yacht showed up.
The captain said "Father, let me help you".
The priest again replied "No my son, the Lord will save me".
The yacht leaves and the father is calling out to God again. All of a sudden, a big cruise ship showed up.
The captain said with a megaphone "Father, let us help you".
The priest again replied "No my son, the Lord will save me."
The priest drowns and he's in heaven face to face with God.
He says "My Lord, I called out to you but you didn't help me. Why?"
God replied: "I did help you. I sent you three ships".
Golf Bet; Category: Sports Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 08 July 2009 13:54)
Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 45-foot, downhill putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?"
His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, "I can make this putt."
His pals are still trying to collect on the bet and my grandfather is too.
Golf Bet II; Category: Sports Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 08 July 2009 13:56)
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy play along.
Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms.
Well, the second guy wins the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.
The first fellow then reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church. The pro gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money.
The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."
Golf Camel; Category: Sports Jokes (by Unknown, published Wednesday, 08 July 2009 13:57)
Three golfers had a big golf game with a client in Arizona.
They were running late and as luck would have it their car broke down.
They found a repair garage nearby, but the mechanic told them it would take four hours to fix their car, which would leave them late for the game.
"But", he told them, "You're in luck. I have a camel that the three of you can ride over to the golf course. This camel is smart. He can read stoplights - he'll stop and go just as the light directs.
So, the three of them pile on the camel, golf clubs and all and took off.
An hour later, the mechanic saw the three of them standing a couple of miles down the road and the camel was not in sight.
"What in the world happened and where's my camel?"
"Well, we had stopped at that light and a car pulled up along side of us. The guy in the car stuck his head out the window and said, 'Look at the three nuts on that camel!' When we got off to look, the beast took off when the light turned green."
Golf Laws; Category: Sports Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 10 July 2009 13:50)
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent ...or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.
Golf Tournament; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 10 July 2009 13:56) Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Nation of Israel for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ehud Barak, the leader of Israel, sent back a message to the College of Cardinals. The proposal was for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their representatives to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholic and Jewish faiths. The Pope met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.
"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Barak wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete I am afraid that this would tarnish our image to the world."
The Pope thought about this and as he had never held a golf club in his life asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"
"None that plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr.Barak as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of co-operation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed, "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."
Golf With God; Category: Sports Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 10 July 2009 13:58)
Moses, Jesus, and an older, bearded man were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water hazard.
Quickly, Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one, directly toward the same water hazard. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water.
Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there it bounced onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolled down into the gutter, down the down spout, out onto the fairway, and right toward the afore- mentioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hit a little stone and bounced out over the water and onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole-in-one.
Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
Good, Bad, Ugly; Category: Gender Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 10 July 2009 14:01) Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
Goodbye to Mother; Category: Animal Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 10 July 2009 14:03)
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -"Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
Good For Nothing; Category: Kid Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 14 July 2009 13:39) As a distinguished matron approached the church entrance, a little boy stepped aside and held the door for her.
"What a polite little doorman," she said as she walked through. "Is there a tip involved?"
"Oh, no," answered the young man. "My mother taught me never to be good for money, but always to be good for nothing."
Good Old Days; Category: Work Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 14 July 2009 13:41) A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days.
"Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think that they were old enough to remember them."
Go To Church; Category: Religious Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 14 July 2009 13:44) Coming out of church, Mrs. Peterson asked her husband, "Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?"
"I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Peterson.
"And that dress Mrs. Hansen was wearing," continued Mrs. Peterson, "Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper costume for a mother of two."
"I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Peterson.
"Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Peterson. "A lot of good it does you to go to church."
Government Workers; Category: Work Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 14 July 2009 13:47)
A guy stopped at a local gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.
The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"
"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back. Elmer's job's been cut... so now it's just me an' Leroy".
Grass Is Greener; Category: Quotes Stories and Stuff (by Webcontrz, published Tuesday, 14 July 2009 13:50) If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet that the water bill is higher.
Greatest Hitter; Category: Kid Jokes (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 14 July 2009 13:51) A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat:
"I'm the greatest batter in the world," he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
"Strike One!" he yelled.
Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest batter in the world!"
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world, too!"
Engineer's Christmas Report; Category: Holiday Jokes (by RadJokes, published Monday, 26 October 2009 15:47) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish & Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total -378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes.
One presumes that there's at least one good child in each. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with. This is due to the different time zones... Read more...
Fruitcake Recipie; Category: Holiday Jokes (by Unknown, published Monday, 02 November 2009 00:00)
You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.
Turn off the mixerer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Read more...
'Twas the Night Before Christmas - Written by the Government
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout the place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus (mouse). Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."
Drop the Turkey; Category: Holiday Jokes (by RadJokes, published Monday, 30 November 2009 00:00)
Q. What disaster could happen if your dropped the Christmas turkey?
A. The downfall of Turkey, the breakup of China, and the over-throw of Greece.
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Pictures so funny, you'll want to share them with your friends!
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Bad Fortune; Category: Oddball Pictures (by Unknown, published Thursday, 21 May 2009 13:51)
Real Bag Ladies; Category: Animal Pictures (by Unknown, published Thursday, 21 May 2009 13:54)
Doggie Bag; Category: Animal Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 22 May 2009 05:47)
Ballot Confusion; Category: Political Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 22 May 2009 05:54)
Beach Boy; Category: Oddball Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 22 May 2009 06:01)
Bathroom Bear; Category: Animal Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 22 May 2009 06:04)
Ugly Person; Category: Stupid Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 22 May 2009 06:08)
Fixed Myself Up; Category: Animal Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 22 May 2009 06:11)
Beer Dog; Category: Animal Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 22 May 2009 06:14)
Beetles Bite; Category: Driving Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 22 May 2009 06:18)
Follow Osama; Category: Political Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 22 May 2009 06:20)
Bent Leg; Category: Sports Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 22 May 2009 06:23)
Best Friend; Category: Sign Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 22 May 2009 06:24)
Best Friends; Category: Animal Pictures (by Unknown, published Friday, 22 May 2009 06:26)
Bad Day II; Category: Animal Pictures (by Unknown, published Sunday, 24 May 2009 07:00)
Humans and Computers; Category: Random Pictures (by Unknown, published Sunday, 24 May 2009 07:00)
E.R.; Category: Random Pictures (by Unknown, published Sunday, 24 May 2009 07:00)
Driving School Exam Answers; Category: Driving Pictures (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 14:00) The following are a few samples of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (Most probably from people who failed the first four times)
Q. Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A. What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q. Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A. The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q. When driving through fog, what should you use? A. Your car.
Q. What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A. I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q. What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A. I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q. What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A. The color.
Q. What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A. Carry loaded weapons.
Q. What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A. Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Embarrassed Honeymooner; Category: Gender Pictures (by Unknown, published Tuesday, 26 May 2009 15:26)
You may have heard about this new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.
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responded to the confirmation e-mail. We don't give away or
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Bribery
http://www.radjokes.com/education-jokes/384.html; Category: Education Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 17 April 2009 14:42)
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He
handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back
in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached
a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out.
This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.
_______________________________________________________________
British Lift
http://www.radjokes.com/travel-jokes/385.html; Category: Travel Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 17 April 2009 14:45)
As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski
facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight
came by and asked me where the lift was.
"Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards
down the block, and you'll see it on your right."
Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man
behind them spoke up.
"They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the
elevator."
_______________________________________________________________
Broken-Down Train
http://www.radjokes.com/travel-jokes/386.html; Category: Travel Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 17 April 2009 14:51)
A large two-engine train was crossing America. After they had gone
some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the
engineer thought, and carried on at half power.
Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train
came to a standstill.
The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the
train had stopped, and made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The
bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here
for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train
and not fly."
_______________________________________________________________
Buddy System
http://www.radjokes.com/military-jokes/387.html; Category: Military Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 17 April 2009 14:55)
I was talking on the phone with my son, who was
stationed in Hawaii with the Air Force. He was
explaining how the troops were learning to scuba-dive.
They used the buddy system, he said, and occasionally
dived into shark-infested waters.
Listening on the extension, my daughter asked,
"What do you do if you see a shark?"
My son said, "Swim faster than my buddy."
_______________________________________________________________
Budget Cuts
http://www.radjokes.com/office-jokes/388.html; Category: Office Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 17 April 2009 14:58)
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by
his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary
sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen,
budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office
with just one chair."
_______________________________________________________________
Bumper Stickers
http://www.radjokes.com/sticker-and-sign-jokes/389.html; Category: Sticker and Sign Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 17 April 2009 15:12)
Eliminate and Abolish Redundancy
DARE to Keep Cops Off Donuts (Donut Abuse & Rotundity Elimination)
Help Stamp Out Intolerance!
My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student
If You Don't Like The Way I Drive, Stay Off The Sidewalk!
I'm Pro-Lifejacket And I Boat!
Archaeologists Will Date Any Old Thing
Visualize Whirled Peas
I still miss my ex, but my aim is improving.
_______________________________________________________________
Burglar
http://www.radjokes.com/people-jokes/392.html; Category: People Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 17 April 2009 15:40)
A burglar, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to rob the safe in a store.
On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading: "Please don't use
dynamite.
The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob."
He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were
floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.
As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning:
"My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."
_______________________________________________________________
Bush Complaint
http://www.radjokes.com/political-jokes/394.html; Category: Political Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 17 April 2009 15:51)
Dear Sir,
I am a senior citizen. During the Clinton Administration I had an
extremely good and well paying job. I took numerous vacations and had
several vacations homes.
Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change
for the worse: I lost my job. I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi
War.
I lost my home.
I lost my health insurance.
As a matter of fact, I lost virtually everything and became homeless.
Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an
animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.
I will do anything to insure President Bush's defeat in the next
election.
I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is
back in the White House come next year. Bush has to go.
I just thought you and your listeners would like to know how one senior
citizen views the Bush Administration.
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.
Sincerely, Sadaam Hussein
_______________________________________________________________
Bus Stop
http://www.radjokes.com/joke-archives/81/407.html; Category: Driving Jokes (by Unknown, published Saturday, 18 April 2009 23:40)
Because I often have to catch a pre-dawn bus to get to my job, I was
concerned that I wasn't always visible to bus drivers in the darkness.
So, I attached a reflector to my lunch box and put on a jogger's vest that
was bright orange and had small flashing lights.
The first morning I wore my new gear, the bus zoomed past but then stopped.
I ran to catch up with it and, as I boarded, asked the driver, "Didn't you
see me?"
"I saw you," he replied, "but I thought you were a road sign."
_______________________________________________________________
Busy Phone Line
http://www.radjokes.com/technology-jokes/408.html; Category: Technology Jokes (by Unknown, published Saturday, 18 April 2009 23:42)
Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)
Tech Support: "Well then we can't-"
Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right
now. You need to-"
Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just
have to try a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now
because you're on the phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."
_______________________________________________________________
Calendar Date
http://www.radjokes.com/stupid-jokes/409.html; Category: Stupid Jokes (by Unknown, published Saturday, 18 April 2009 23:45)
A very important event is going to happen on May the 4th. I'm telling
you so early because it's so important. I urge each of you to mark
that date on your calendars with the letters BU. It's very important
that you include the letter B with the letter U; you may miss the
importance of the event without it.
So go now, and mark your calendars. Keep repeating to yourselves as
you walk to the calendar, so you don't forget: May the 4th, B with U;
May the 4th, B with U...
_______________________________________________________________
Caller ID
http://www.radjokes.com/technology-jokes/410.html; Category: Technology Jokes (by Unknown, published Saturday, 18 April 2009 23:49)
Today at work I was moving a computer system and listening to
the conversation at the point of sale. A customer had brought his
caller ID box back into the store and was rather irritably asking
for a refund, as the device didn't work.
The customer service rep had taken it out of the box and was
making sure that the customer had attached it to his phone
properly. During her demonstration of the proper way to hook up
the gadget, she removed the static cling label off the front,
which showed a sample caller ID screen on it.
It was difficult for her to maintain a straight face as the
customer realized the reason the numbers on the front never
changed . . .
_______________________________________________________________
Camping Letter
http://www.radjokes.com/kid-jokes/411.html; Category: Kid Jokes (by Unknown, published Saturday, 18 April 2009 23:50)
Dear Mom,
Our Scoutmaster told us all to write to our parents in case you
saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only one of our
tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us
got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for
Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her that he's OK. He
can't write because of the cast. I got to ride on one of the
search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found
him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone
without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was
during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put a gas can on a fire, the gas can
will blow up? Billy is going to look weird until his hair grows
back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car
fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK
when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that with a car that old you
to have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he
can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't
care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us
ride in the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with ten people in a
car.
Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver.
In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him
drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we
ever see up there are logging trucks.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When
Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a
tourniquet works.
Also, Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was
just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got
sick that way with the food they ate in prison.
I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he
sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing
his time.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and
buy bullets.
Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love,
Johnny
_______________________________________________________________
Camping Tips
http://www.radjokes.com/outdoor-jokes/412.html; Category: Outdoor Jokes (by Unknown, published Saturday, 18 April 2009 23:54)
You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over
it with your car.
Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one
ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish.
A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of
dry sticks.
In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a
slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
A large carp can be used for a pillow.
Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be warn camping. Buy only
those that read "Be...
Read more...
http://www.radjokes.com/outdoor-jokes/412.html
_______________________________________________________________
Cannibal at School
http://www.radjokes.com/bad-jokes/414.html; Category: Bad Jokes (by Unknown, published Sunday, 19 April 2009 00:01)
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
He was buttering up his teacher.
_______________________________________________________________
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Castro in Hell; Category: Political Jokes (by Unknown, published Sunday, 24 May 2009 07:00)
Castro dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that, no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Castro must go to hell. So Castro goes to hell, where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home.
Then Castro notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."
When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one Read more...
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Bribery; Category: Education Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 17 April 2009 14:42) A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.
British Lift; Category: Travel Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 17 April 2009 14:45)
As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was.
"Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right."
Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up.
"They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."
Broken-Down Train; Category: Travel Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 17 April 2009 14:51) A large two-engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.
Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.
The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."
Buddy System; Category: Military Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 17 April 2009 14:55) I was talking on the phone with my son, who was stationed in Hawaii with the Air Force. He was explaining how the troops were learning to scuba-dive. They used the buddy system, he said, and occasionally dived into shark-infested waters.
Listening on the extension, my daughter asked, "What do you do if you see a shark?"
My son said, "Swim faster than my buddy."
Budget Cuts; Category: Office Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 17 April 2009 14:58) Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
Bumper Stickers; Category: Sticker and Sign Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 17 April 2009 15:12)
Eliminate and Abolish Redundancy
DARE to Keep Cops Off Donuts (Donut Abuse & Rotundity Elimination)
Help Stamp Out Intolerance!
My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student
If You Don't Like The Way I Drive, Stay Off The Sidewalk!
I'm Pro-Lifejacket And I Boat!
Archaeologists Will Date Any Old Thing
Visualize Whirled Peas
I still miss my ex, but my aim is improving.
Burglar; Category: People Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 17 April 2009 15:40) A burglar, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to rob the safe in a store.
On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading: "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob."
He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.
As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning: "My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."
Bush Complaint; Category: Political Jokes (by Unknown, published Friday, 17 April 2009 15:51) Dear Sir,
I am a senior citizen. During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job. I took numerous vacations and had several vacations homes.
Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse: I lost my job. I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.
I lost my home.
I lost my health insurance.
As a matter of fact, I lost virtually everything and became homeless. Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.
I will do anything to insure President Bush's defeat in the next election.
I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year. Bush has to go.
I just thought you and your listeners would like to know how one senior citizen views the Bush Administration.
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.
Sincerely, Sadaam Hussein
Bus Stop; Category: Driving Jokes (by Unknown, published Saturday, 18 April 2009 23:40)
Because I often have to catch a pre-dawn bus to get to my job, I was concerned that I wasn't always visible to bus drivers in the darkness. So, I attached a reflector to my lunch box and put on a jogger's vest that was bright orange and had small flashing lights.
The first morning I wore my new gear, the bus zoomed past but then stopped. I ran to catch up with it and, as I boarded, asked the driver, "Didn't you see me?"
"I saw you," he replied, "but I thought you were a road sign."
Busy Phone Line; Category: Technology Jokes (by Unknown, published Saturday, 18 April 2009 23:42) Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)
Tech Support: "Well then we can't-"
Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You need to-"
Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to try a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're on the phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."
Calendar Date; Category: Stupid Jokes (by Unknown, published Saturday, 18 April 2009 23:45)
A very important event is going to happen on May the 4th. I'm telling you so early because it's so important. I urge each of you to mark that date on your calendars with the letters BU. It's very important that you include the letter B with the letter U; you may miss the importance of the event without it.
So go now, and mark your calendars. Keep repeating to yourselves as you walk to the calendar, so you don't forget: May the 4th, B with U; May the 4th, B with U...
Caller ID; Category: Technology Jokes (by Unknown, published Saturday, 18 April 2009 23:49)
Today at work I was moving a computer system and listening to the conversation at the point of sale. A customer had brought his caller ID box back into the store and was rather irritably asking for a refund, as the device didn't work.
The customer service rep had taken it out of the box and was making sure that the customer had attached it to his phone properly. During her demonstration of the proper way to hook up the gadget, she removed the static cling label off the front, which showed a sample caller ID screen on it.
It was difficult for her to maintain a straight face as the customer realized the reason the numbers on the front never changed . . .
Camping Letter; Category: Kid Jokes (by Unknown, published Saturday, 18 April 2009 23:50) Dear Mom,
Our Scoutmaster told us all to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her that he's OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride on one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put a gas can on a fire, the gas can will blow up? Billy is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that with a car that old you to have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride in the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with ten people in a car.
Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Also, Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison.
I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets.
Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Johnny
Camping Tips; Category: Outdoor Jokes (by Unknown, published Saturday, 18 April 2009 23:54) You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.
Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish.
A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.
In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
A large carp can be used for a pillow.
Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be warn camping. Buy only those that read "Beat... Read more...
Cannibal at School; Category: Bad Jokes (by Unknown, published Sunday, 19 April 2009 00:01)
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
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Boyfriend
(by Unknown, published Tuesday, 17 February 2009 07:34) My seven-year-old son asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend. I was recovering from surgery and spent most of the day in bed. I told him the TV was my boyfriend, he entertained me all the time.
The TV set was old and would just shut itself off for no reason. I'd give it a few hard whacks on the side and it would come back on.
The pastor stopped by to check on my recovery and my son answered the door. At that time I was trying to get the TV to come back on. The pastor asked my son if I was busy.
My little one said, "No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend."
Brave Firemen
(by Unknown, published Tuesday, 17 February 2009 07:37) One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant, and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said,
"All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that... Read more...
Break-In
(by Unknown, published Tuesday, 17 February 2009 07:39) A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," the desk sergeant told him.
"No, no, no!" replied the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
Breaks
(by Unknown, published Tuesday, 17 February 2009 07:40) I'd had enough of my employees abusing their allotted break time. In an effort to clarify my position, I posted a sign on the bulletin board:
"Starting immediately, your 15-minute breaks are being cut from a half-hour to 20 minutes. No exception please!"
Borrowed Tools
(by Unknown, published Thursday, 18 December 2008 00:00) A judge asks a defendant to please stand.
"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."
From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!", the Judge shouted back to the man, all the while banging his gavel.
He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"You darned tightwad!" blurted the spectator again.
"Quiet!", yelled the judge after a few more bangs of his gavel, and then continues, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout when the Judge thunders back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"
So the man answers, "I've lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had any tools when I needed to borrow one?!"
Bought the Wrong Dog
(by Unknown, published Thursday, 18 December 2008 00:00) A Baptist preacher and his wife decided they needed a dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be Baptist. They visited an expensive kennel and explained their needs to the manager, who assured them he had just the dog for them. The dog was produced and the manager said, "Fetch the Bible."
The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the manager. The manager then said "Find Psalms 23". The dog, showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed thru the Bible, found the correct passage, and pointed to it with his paw. Duly impressed, the couple purchased the dog.
That evening a group of parishioners came to visit. The preacher and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were amazed. Finally, one man asked, "Can he do normal dog tricks too?"
"Let's see" said the preacher. Pointing his finger at the dog, he commanded "Heel!" The dog immediately jumped up on a chair, placed one paw on the preacher's forehead and began to howl. The preacher turned to his wife and exclaimed "Good grief, we've bought a Pentecostal dog!"
Blonde Joke
(by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 December 2008 00:00) A blind man goes into a bar and asks if he can tell a blonde joke without anyone getting mad.
The man next to him says, "I'm blonde, the bartender is blonde, the waitress is blonde and the guy at that table over there is blonde too, and he is really big and could beat you up."
The blind man turns to go, "Never mind, I don't have time to repeat the joke 4 times."
Blonde on the Move
(by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 December 2008 00:00) Blonde, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
Blonde, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How's that working?"
Blonde, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is?"
Blonde, "I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
Blonde Pilot
(by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 December 2008 00:00) A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The Instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio.
So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor kept talking... Read more...
Blondes in Trouble
(by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 December 2008 00:00) Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.
"Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.
"Help us, help us!" yells the other.
"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.
"Good idea," said the other.
"Together, together!"
Blonde with a Brain
(by Unknown, published Thursday, 11 December 2008 00:00) Q: What do you call a blonde with a whole brain?
A: Golden Retriever
Boring Pastor
(by Unknown, published Sunday, 14 December 2008 00:00) An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please." She answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
Borrow
(by Unknown, published Sunday, 14 December 2008 00:00)
As a teen, I would constantly ask my Dad for money.
Finally, one day when I said, "Dad, can I borrow some money?" He stopped, looked at me and said, "Borrow?"
Blonde at the Mechanic
(by Unknown, published Saturday, 06 December 2008 09:21) Anne meets up with Dana as she is picking her car up from the mechanic.
Anne asks, "Everything ok with your car now?"
Dana replies, "Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was $12 worth of blinker fluid."
Blonde at the Movies
(by Unknown, published Saturday, 06 December 2008 09:25) A fellow took his girlfriend to the movies. During the pre-views, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M & Ms.
When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away.
"What did you do that for?" he asked her.
"I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied.
Blonde Catholic
(by Unknown, published Saturday, 06 December 2008 09:27) Do you know why the blonde in California quit being Catholic?
She went to Mass every Sunday, but eventually the air fares to Boston caused her to go bankrupt.
Blonde Crew
(by Unknown, published Saturday, 06 December 2008 09:28) A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room.
As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color."
The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"
He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour.
Blonde Interior Decorator
(by Unknown, published Saturday, 06 December 2008 09:32) A painter was painting a room of a house this rich woman was having remodeled, when walks the blonde interior decorator,
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no," says the interior decorator, "there's not enough colour in this paint, it needs some more mauve."
So the decorator hands the painter a can of mauve paint and tells him, "Here, put some of this in that can and mix it."
The painter pours some of the mauve in the can of white paint, and mixes them with a stirrer. First he stirs the paint about ten times clockwise, then he reverses the direction of stirring. The decorator sees him do this, and yells, "What are you doing??"
"I'm mixing the paint" The painter says.
"Why are you going the opposite direction now?" asks the blonde, pointing to the mixing stick, "Don't you know that you'll unmix the paint?"
Blonde Hunding
(by Unknown, published Saturday, 06 December 2008 09:35) A brunette was walking along a train track and saying, "15, 15, 15, 15."
Along comes a blonde. She starts walking behind the brunette and begins to say, "15, 15, 15, 15."
When the train comes, the brunette gets off the tracks, but the blonde stays on the tracks. The blonde gets hit.
The brunette gets back on the tracks and begins to say, "16, 16, 16, 16..."
Borrowing Tools
(by Unknown, published Saturday, 06 December 2008 10:06) My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son.
Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back."
With that, he responded, "Well, it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's."
Black Eyes
(by Unknown, published Wednesday, 12 November 2008 09:15)
Q: What do you say to a man with two black eyes? A: Nothing, he's already been told twice.
Blind Date
(by Unknown, published Wednesday, 12 November 2008 09:16) Eighty five year-old widow, Betty, went on a blind date with 90-year-old John. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"What!? You mean John got fresh with you, mom?"
"No, no, no!" she answered. "I thought he was dead."
Blind Pilot
(by Unknown, published Wednesday, 12 November 2008 09:19) A man named Mr. Smith was flying from San Francisco to LA.
Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Mr. Smith had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the blind man had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.
Mr. Smith could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said Keith, we're in... Read more...
Blind Pilots
(by Unknown, published Wednesday, 12 November 2008 09:22) One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get underway.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appear to be blind.
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving... Read more...
Blonde and the Western
(by Unknown, published Wednesday, 12 November 2008 09:23) A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, an old western is on. The husband says to his wife, "I bet you breakfast in bed that the covered wagon hits a rock and the driver falls out dead,"
"You're on," returned his wife.
They watch the western and sure enough the wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the wagon ... dead. The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray of food.
After eating the husband says, "I have to admit that I saw this movie before."
She in turn confesses, "I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice...."
Blonde Anniversary
(by Unknown, published Wednesday, 12 November 2008 09:25)
A young lady applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went. She said, "Pretty good, but if I get the job, I won't get a vacation unless I'm married."
Her mother had never heard of such a thing and asked, "Is that what they told you?"
The young lady replied, "No, they didn't tell me that, but on the application it said that vacation time is not available until after your first anniversary."
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